Tags

, , , , , ,

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears

Relearning Gender …

When we are little, we learn that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Many of us also learn that boys like cars and blocks, bugs, superheroes, dirt, snails and puppy dog tails. They have short hair, and wear pants. Girls, however, prefer dolls and tea parties, princess movies, crafts, sugar and spice and everything nice. They have long hair, use makeup and wear dresses. We learn, when we’re little, that gender is finite. In fact, a measured milestone for children is that they know the difference between genders and can identify their own gender by the time they are 3 or 4. Children use all of their experiences, observations and what they’ve been told to differentiate between boys and girls, between male and female. They determine the differences based on social and societal norms in their culture and their environment.

My son knew what the rest of us couldn’t…  He IS a boy.  

When my son first tried to come out to me as a transgender man his freshmen year, I wasn’t completely prepared, but it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise. He has always, since the time he could choose for himself, preferred a more masculine look. From his pants and shirts to his swimming trunks and rash guards, we bought 97% of his clothing from the “boys” section of the store. The other 3% were his underwear, for which I insisted on “girls” underwear. For whatever reason, that wasn’t a line that I was willing to cross. During play, he chose to be the prince or the boyfriend or the brother. He’d happily play Barbie with his sister, but he would be Ken. In the home movies that he and his sister recorded, he can often be heard saying, “pretend I’m Freddy, your brother.” When he tried to come out, I had already begun thinking about the idea of gender. I strongly believe that gender is a spectrum and that there is no one way to be a woman and no one way to be a man. Women are as strong and brave and smart as men, and men are as sensitive and empathetic and creative as women. Some women are considered to be masculine and some men could be considered feminine. What really matters about a person is that they pursue the things that they love, and that they don’t let anyone change who they are…

BUT…

Could he please just continue to be “Gaby?” Could he be the “Gaby” who sometimes wears pink and always wears pants, the “Gaby” who likes cars, and sports, and also enjoys drawing and creating stories about Tito the Soccer Dog? Could he just be the “Gaby” who fiercely loves family and would protect them at all costs? Could he just be “Gaby” without the labels?

Please?

I was afraid of a lot of things three years ago. I was afraid of how the world would treat my child. I was most afraid of how his father would react and how our family would treat him. I’m still afraid of those things. What I failed to consider then was how continuing to deny who he is could and would affect HIM.  

I’ve done a lot of reading in this area which, in turn, has contributed to a lot of my own unlearning and relearning about gender and gender dysphoria. So, when he sent me a Tik Tok video of a transgender man documenting his own transition process beginning with testosterone injections, I thought to ask, “Gaby? Are you trying to tell me something with this video?” When he replied, “yes,” I accepted his YES. 

I’ve heard a lot of the statistics, many of which are really scary. I probably only know about 5% of what I will learn in the coming months and years, but I do know that I can believe and trust my son when he tells me WHO he is, regardless, or in spite of what the world or anyone else thinks or says. I will continue to learn so that I can guide where possible and follow where I need to as my son continues on his path to live authentically as HIS TRUE IDENTITY. 

My son is 18. His name is Gabriel. You can call him “Gabe.” He wants to be a firefighter when he “grows up.” When referring to him, you may use he/him pronouns. He is gracious and understanding. He knows that we will all make mistakes and trip and stumble. I do it ALL of the FECKING time! I’ve been heard to say, “she…argh…SHIT…he,” and then we move on. It’s going to be awkward. It’s going to take some courage from all of us. It’s going to require massive amounts of kindness.

I am confident in us, though. I am confident that my  people can, as Brené Brown says at the end of every one of her podcast episodes, “Stay awkward, brave and kind.”

Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto of the group is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 31,000 members.

For more info about the Mama Bears and all of our groups, programs and resources visit our website at realmamabears.org 

This story can also be viewed on the Mama Bear Story Project Facebook page.