True Faith Doesn’t Bully Campaign

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#LGBTQFamilies, affirming, bible, bullying, Christian, church, education, evangelical, faith, family, God, Homosexuality, Inclusion, letter, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, lgbtq youth, Mama Bear, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, parent, Parenting, parents, relationships, reparative therapy, same sex relationships, scripture, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story, theology, Youth

“True Faith Doesn’t Bully” is a letter-writing campaign sponsored by the Tyler Clementi Foundation. The purpose of the campaign is to educate Pastors of the Southern Baptist Church denomination about the pain and harm of teaching young people that they are broken, less than, or separated from God, because of who God created them to be or who God created them to love.

Here is the letter I wrote for the campaign:

Dear Pastor,

My name is Liz Dyer and I am writing to you in partnership with the Tyler Clementi Foundation’s “True Faith Doesn’t Bully” Campaign. 

I am a Christian wife and mother, and one of my sons is gay.

I am also the founder of the Mama Bears Organization which is dedicated to supporting mothers of LGBTQ kids. Read More

In June 2014 I started a private Facebook group with less than 200 Christian mothers of LGBTQ kids and today there are more than 12,000 mothers of LGBTQ kids in the group.  

As someone who comes from a conservative Christian background and was a lifelong member of Southern Baptist Churches I wanted to connect with other mothers like myself and let them know they are not alone and they do not have to give up their Christian faith in order to love, support and affirm their LGBTQ children. 

Many moms in the group come from a conservative Christian background similar to my own. Many of them arrive in the group barely hanging on to their faith with a fair amount of anger towards Christians, Christian leaders and the church in general because of the way they and their LGBTQ children have been treated. 

Many end up walking away from their local church because of the shame-based, dehumanizing messages they often hear when homosexuality comes up in a sermon, bible lesson or conversation at their church. Many leave their local church because the message they hear from their church is that LGBTQ people have rejected God and have an agenda to destroy the family and the church. These moms know that is not who their children are and they love their kids too much to allow them to believe they are less than other people and broken because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.  

Over and over again I hear from these moms telling me the online community I created is like a church to them because it provides the kind of community, care and support they expected to find at their church, but didn’t receive once their kid came out.

I’m happy to have created a safe and supportive community for these moms, but I’m extremely sad and disappointed they couldn’t find this kind of community and support in their own churches. And that is why I am so happy to have this opportunity to write a few words to you today on behalf of myself and other mother’s like myself.  

In spite of everything we have experienced we remain hopeful that people like you will hear our voice, listen to our stories, and pay attention to what we have been learning.

We remain hopeful that one day you will be for the full inclusion of LGBTQ people, because we long for our children to live in a world where we don’t have to worry about the local church treating them like a second class citizen and teaching them to be ashamed of the way they were created.  

As Christian mothers who affirm their LGBTQ kids we are often accused of turning our backs on God or throwing out the Bible, but nothing could be further from the truth. As loving mothers we would never offer important life altering spiritual advice to our kids without great thought, study and prayer. In fact, I would argue that Christian mothers of LGBTQ kids study, listen and pray more than anyone as we strive to discern the truth about these matters.

Of course, we are aware that people are prone to understand scripture in a way that supports their own position, but rather than argue the meaning of a few verses in the bible we think the most important thing is to examine the fruit being produced in the lives of those who embrace certain beliefs and doctrines.

In other words, we believe good theology must pass the test of producing good fruit in the lives of those who embrace it.

We believe if a theology is mostly producing bad fruit it isn’t the truth and should be abandoned. 

When you listen to us and get to know us you will learn what we have learned … that LGBTQ people in general are being severely harmed by non-affirming theology and that LGBTQ people in general are more healthy and whole in every way when they believe and embrace affirming theology. 

Over and over again we witness non affirming theology producing bad fruit in the life of those who embrace it. 

However, those same LGBTQ people typically become more healthy and whole, in every way, when they embrace affirming theology – especially if they are also connected to an affirming Christian community. 

We know that scripture does not address most things specifically. Instead it gives us some guiding principles to live by and we are charged with learning to apply those guiding principles to our own lives. We believe when we get it right it mostly leads to whole, healthy, hopeful lives and when we get it wrong it mostly leads to broken, unhealthy, hopeless lives.  

We believe if a doctrine is mostly producing self-loathing, despair, hopelessness, depression, isolation, shame, self-harm and other such bad fruit then it’s a no brainer … it’s not good doctrine and it should be abandoned because the fruit doesn’t lie. 

Therefore, we implore you to embrace theology that produces good fruit and is life giving. 

Too many lives – both spiritual and physical lives – are hanging in the balance. 

Too much damage has already been done and too much unnecessary suffering has been endured due to non-affirming theology. 

At one time you could say you embraced non affirming theology because you didn’t know about the harm being done, but with so many LGBTQ people coming out and sharing their story; and with all the knowledge we have gained about sexuality and gender, there is no longer an excuse to hang on to theology that is obviously flawed and harmful. 

We know better now and because we know better we can relieve suffering and save lives. I am doing my part, but I need you to do your part. 

Please use your power and influence for good and lift up theology that produces life instead of death.

This is an urgent matter – there is no time to spare. 

Now is the time for the full inclusion of LGBTQ people in the church.

Sincerely,

Liz Dyer

Founder, Mama Bears

realmamabears.org

Pronouns: she/her/hers

If you want to write a letter for the “True Faith Doesn’t Bully” campaign and share how non affirming religious messages have harmed you and your family please send your letter to jane@tylerclementi.org

MAMA BEAR STORY PROJECT #49 – Reesie Parnell Laster

Tags

family, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, lgbtq youth, love, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Parenting, parents

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears

 

 

I don’t know all there is to know about the LGBTQ community and I don’t know all there is to know about God. What I try hard to do is lead with my heart and keep an open mind and learn as I go. No amount of research can ever compare to communication between people that have something to say. We can bicker back and forth about what our version of right and wrong is but at the end of the day that gets us nowhere. We have to learn to listen to understand and not listen to respond. When Cody came out to me I didn’t listen and why would I? He had been my son for 22 years and even though I thought I listened to him, I never really did. He tried when he was 14 to tell me how he felt different. He tried to tell me he was gay but I wasn’t ready to hear that from him. I dismissed that my son needed me to hear him and instead I pulled out my best of Dr. Phil and told him he had no idea at his age who he was. His hormones were all over the place and he was confused. Even though deep down I knew what he was saying was true. I wanted him to not be gay. I wanted him to forget who he really was and be what was comfortable for me to deal with, not what was best for him. I was wrong. I know that now but back then, I was scared and uneducated on what gay meant and was doing what I thought was best for him. I wish I would have known better. I wish I knew what I didn’t know.

Since Cody came out I have taken the time and effort to learn. I did the research and I listened to my son. I asked him the hard questions and I got to know the Cody that I never really knew. I found my son. Not the person that for all the years he was pretending to be but the person he was meant to be. The way God made him. It took time, conversions, and most of all love to get there. I had to question everything I had been taught my whole life. I had to do the work and not shy away when it got hard. I had to decide that my love for my son was the most important thing to me and that I would find a way to educate myself on who he is and what that means. It has been a journey of acceptance, knowledge and growth. A journey I am very proud to say I am still traveling.

In the weeks that followed the day Cody told me he was gay was brutal. I had to tell the ones close to me. The conservative, religious family that I knew would not understand. I had to talk to all of them about something that I didn’t understand myself. I needed reassurance that they would understand and support us and still love Cody and help me protect him from people that would attack him with hurtful words and maybe even violence. I needed support and when the support didn’t come, my mama claws came out. I went after anyone that said or did anything that was hurting him. The post, the talk, and anything that made him feel less than or unloved. Yes that meant even God. I studied the Bible like I had never studied before. I read all the verses that said homosexuality was a sin. I pulled everything I could from scholars and preachers and I talked to anyone that would listen. I needed proof that his soul was going to be ok. I needed to know that being gay wasn’t a mortal sin and that my son had hope. I needed to find a way to fight for him. I was alone in all of this. I couldn’t sleep or function. I had family and friends dropping off left and right. I was in a place I didn’t recognize any longer and I felt alone for the first time in my life and that is right where I needed to be.

It was nearing the end of the year. The holiday was not going good and I was realizing that all my hurt was taking its toll on me. I was in my house by myself cleaning up after Christmas and I broke. I hit my knees in my living room and begged God to help me. I needed peace. I needed the hurt of loss to go away. I needed answers. With my prayers and in my tears I found the answers that I had been so desperately seeking. On my knees, feeling broken, I heard a voice in my head say… Just love him. What? Say that again. It can’t be that simple. All I have done and researched and all the pain of not knowing what to do, the answer was there all the time? Just love him. Do your job. You have done the work. You have made your mistakes. You are struggling for nothing. The answer, as his mother, is to love him. Something I had never stopped doing. When I picked myself up off that floor, I was a different person. I stopped fighting myself and I realized that God gave the answers I needed long before Cody told his truth. Long before I ever heard those words… “Mom, I’m gay” … I had known what to do. Just love him.

The years have passed since that night on my knees. I still made and still make my share of mistakes and I am still learning. I went to my first pride in 2019. I wore a shirt that said “Free Mom hugs” and held a sign that let the community know I am here for you and I love you. I gave those hugs freely without judgment or question. I was a part of something bigger than my little world and I was humbled by every hug and every smile. I saw how important it is to show love and kindness everywhere I go and in everything I say or do. I realized that people need to be heard and loved. It doesn’t matter how you believe or what your version of right looks like. It doesn’t matter who you love, it matters how you love. God commands us to love each other. He doesn’t care that we are flawed in the eyes of others. We are human and he knew we would make mistakes. He knew that we would struggle. He knew we would need each other to get through those hard times. God knew us before we were born. We are wonderfully made and meant to be loved. He loved me enough to give me my beautiful boys and he trusted me to take care of them. I made God a promise that night on my knees that I would do exactly what he said, I would love Cody. I would do my job as his mother and I would spread that love to anyone that needed it. I will continue to educate, be kind, pray, love and fight for my son’s rights to be heard. To live his truth and to be who he was always meant to be.

Someone needs to hear your story. Someone needs something you have been through. Someone needs to know they are not alone.

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Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 8,000 members. For more info about the Mama Bears visit our website at realmamabears.org 

Mama Bear Story Project #48 – Bee Brody

Tags

LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, lgbtq youth, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

 

I stand at the bathroom counter brushing my teeth. Three of my four children are in bed and the oldest, a 15-year-old girl, is on her way home. Our house is locked, the windows drawn. I feel at peace, knowing that this day, I have successfully checked off all the religious to-dos; prayers have been said, scriptures read. My temple recommend is valid, my faith strong. While we are not perfect as a family, I feel God is cognizant of our efforts and pleased with our work.

I hear the front door unlock, footsteps on the stairs, and the bathroom door opens. My eldest daughter, the one we prayed to have, the one we were blessed with after a miscarriage and years of trying, stands, not looking at me, defiant and, I see now, scared.

“I’m bisexual and I don’t want to talk about it.”

My toothbrush stops moving. My child runs to her room. I hear the door close. I don’t drop to my knees. I don’t burst into tears or rail against God or wonder what I did wrong in my parenting to make her this way (all of that will come later, over agonizing years).

I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk about it. She’s been to every standards night, every chastity talk. She sat in class while teachers praised marriage between a man and a woman and she knows that I’m a full-self Mormon—I work with an eye single to God’s glory.

I rinse my mouth, wipe out the sink and search for my husband. We talk. Did we see this coming? Were there signs? Is this a phase, like the year she spent playing Pompeii with the neighbor kids? And, most telling about my lack of education: will she outgrow it? Does she just need to find a nice LDS boy who will appreciate her precocious and feisty nature?

Fast forward four years, and a Policy announcement, and thousands of tears later, and I can say with certainty that no, she will not outgrow it. It is not a phase, and all the nice LDS boys in the world will not make her less attracted to girls. Her understanding of her own sexual identity continues to change and we’re both beginning to suspect that being with a boy, for her, is the shadow of love, not the brightest expression of it. If she seeks to find oneness with her spouse, that fulfillment may not be possible in a heterosexual relationship.

She will also never graduate from Seminary because the test questions asked her to explain why homosexuality is a sin and so she quit going in order to protect her emotional health. She’ll never go on a mission because how can she preach about a God of love when she feels no love in His church? She will not attend meetings, where she has felt less-than, been told that her sexuality is disgusting, that God ranks sins and He puts hers at the top, right next to murder.

My beautiful daughter, who doesn’t kill spiders because everything deserves a life, is told that if she wants Life Eternal, she has to voluntarily endure this life without the companionship that she’s been taught are most central to our existence—that of spouse and children.

She believes in something, but she no longer believes in the god of the LDS faith. The lessons about the Proclamation outshouted those about love and sent her scurrying to find safety outside of orthodoxy. She’s been convinced by well-meaning but wrong leaders that if she can’t get in line with this one item in the Handbook, she isn’t welcome to participate in any of the others. A spouse and children are beyond her reach if she wants to take the Sacrament on Sunday.

So, she has to choose: a personal God who loves her fully, or the hollow appearance of godliness? A family in this life, or a life without this church? She did not ask for this dichotomy. It was forced on her, and at 15, when she innocently believed Priesthood leaders would have her back if she would just be honest with them, she was told she had to choose.

I am currently living tenuously within a religious structure that says we are all gods in embryo but rejects the nature God gave my child. And I feel that separation deeply. I feel violently hewn from the god of my youth because I no longer believe the Sunday School answers: pray, read your scriptures, go to church. We say that God loves you because you are His child but the message sent by the organization is different. The institution of our religion says that He loves you sometimes. He will make you perfect unless.

But I reject the qualifiers. God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. Full stop.

When people stand in Sacrament meeting and talk about how God has blessed them with children who were married in the temple, I repeat to myself that God’s blessings for my child are different but equally powerful. When a child is praised for going on a mission, I remind myself that my daughter is on a mission, no less divine, because she lives every day as an ambassador for love first and leaves the rest to Him.

I have learned to say to every child, and especially my own, “Yes, your nature is Divine, exactly as it is, because God made you and He is perfect. You are beautiful and you are beloved and you are enough because God looked at all that He made and said ‘it is good.’ You, my precious child, are exactly as He meant you to be and He will make this pain and this anger and this heartache right some day. And we will all, together, sit at His feet in joy.”

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,800 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #46 – Jennifer O’Rourke

Tags

Christian, church, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

In 2017, I watched my daughter, Kat, sit on stage ready to be baptized. A woman who was standing next to her said in front of the whole audience, “One of my favorite things about you is the energy and the light that you have in you for the kids. You’re there every Sunday, worshipping and leading a small group. It is my honor to baptize you today.”

I was so proud of my daughter that day. She was 15 and passionately devoted to God and her church. I was glad to be in a church where the senior pastor, Andy Stanley, once preached that the “church should be the safest place on the planet for gay teens.” I couldn’t have expected then what would happen a year later.

Last June, my daughter showed up to church to lead worship in the elementary environment. The same woman, Christy, who had baptized her told her that morning that because she had come out as gay on Instagram, she could no longer serve in leadership, meaning she could no longer be a worship leader or lead her second-grade small group. She was, however, allowed to volunteer in other ways, such as handing out flyers and working in the parking team — just no leadership roles. Our daughter was crushed. Kat had felt called to work with children (she’s currently working towards a degree in pediatric oncology) and to sing, and she felt that the church had just taken her purpose away.

What followed was the worst three months of our lives as parents. She went from a happy-go-lucky girl to someone who had suicidal thoughts and needed to be watched over 24/7. She’s much better now, but it was devastating then for her to lose her sense of purpose and all of her friends. My husband, who volunteered as a technical director there, and I, who worked with 3 to 4-year-old kids in the church, lost our friend-groups as well.

The loss was doubly painful because we moved to Georgia because we had felt called to be in this church. We started attending Andy Stanley’s church in the late 1990’s. We spent a decade in his church before moving to Massachusetts for my husband’s work in 2009. We would drive for 20 hours down to Atlanta for Christmas and Easter services; we watched Stanley’s sermons online every week.

Five years ago, my husband was offered a choice to relocate to anywhere in the United States. We picked Georgia because of North Point Ministries. We attended Woodstock City Church, where Stanley’s sermons were beamed in every Sunday (NPM has six churches across Georgia). Our entire family’s lives revolved around our church, including Kat’s. Every Sunday, she would go to church to lead worship at the 9am service, lead a 2nd-grade small group at 11am, then worship at the 1:30pm adult service, and then finally attend the high school service at 4:30pm. She “hosts” a bible study in her car before school and writes an inspirational Christian blog.

I’d always been affirming of the LGBT-community. A few years ago, I heard Andy preach that the church should be the “safest place for gay youth.” These words were music to my ears. I had always wondered if my views lined up with my church on this topic and I finally felt I had clear confirmation that we were on the same page. I had also heard him preach a sermon incorporating a story about a gay couple who volunteered at his church. I never felt a need to ask further questions back then.

Before I knew my daughter was gay, my husband and I had already assured her and all our children that we would be a safe place for them if they did come out. We even offered to house any of their friends who might need a safe place to crash after coming out to their parents. So when she did come out to us in February 2018, it was a fairly nonchalant affair. She told her close friends and even her small group in church, and everyone was amazingly supportive.

Things changed in June 2018. Billboard Magazine was doing a series about celebrities who had come out, and Kat decided that she wanted to come out publicly on Facebook. She posted a beautiful “love letter” to the gay community and for the first time publicly declared that she is gay. It was part of a campaign for PRIDE month and I couldn’t be prouder of the words she wrote. The comments she received were so positive and uplifting.

She received no negative feedback until she attended church the next weekend, where she was told she could no longer lead at North Point Ministries. She felt disowned by her church family. When her birthday rolled around in August, no one from church — her main community — celebrated it with her.

The leaders at our church gave various ‘reasons’ why she could no longer lead. One person on staff told her that it was for her safety that they didn’t want her to lead, as they did not want anyone who was against gay people to confront her at church. When Kat responded, saying, “I will have to deal with this my whole life, I don’t mind dealing with it,” they told her that these confrontations would take the focus away from what they were trying to do at church.

The pastor of Woodstock City Church, Gavin, wrote to us in late July that “in most of our leadership volunteer positions (small group leaders, stage, etc.), when a person goes through a significant life change moment (as Kaitlyn is doing), we often ask them to step away for a season for their own health.” I told him that I did consider my daughter’s coming out as a “significant life change,” but it was a “positive” one that should be celebrated. “As far as I know the church doesn’t have you take a break when you get engaged, married, find out your expecting or buying your first home. Why would they?” I replied.

Gavin responded via email* more than a week later with his rationale for why he had to ask my daughter to step away:

“Your daughter’s public pronouncement can be celebrated by family and friends. But if we ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen publicly, we potentially will cause others to stumble: other volunteers who are still exploring faith, other parents who don’t agree or understand, and other kids who aren’t ready for this conversation.

“If I could say it this way: This is so much bigger than your daughter. Paul believed it was way bigger than him, too. This is as big as our mission and the Kingdom, and anything that could cause our mission to suffer is always considered. Sometimes that feels deeply personal. But I would ask you to consider if it’s worth taking this stand and continuing to volunteer in the exact same position if someone else’s faith would struggle or never begin.” (bolding is my emphasis)

Once I realized he was implying that our fight for our daughter would cause other people to lose their faith, and he was implicitly asking us if we wanted that responsibility on our hands, I stopped communicating. I was done.

I do not know why “the safest place in the world for gay teens” has a policy that will not allow gay people to be in leadership. I do know that if I knew about this policy of North Point Ministries, I would not have started going here twenty years ago. I feel misled by Andy Stanley; he was not only lying to us, he was deceiving gay people in his church. My daughter thought her church was a safe place to bring her gay friends, and she still feels guilty for having exposed her friends to that church.

I met with Woodstock’s leadership to let them know that their policies needed to match their preaching, and that if they weren’t going to let gay people in every position then they needed to be clear about that upfront. I was told that it was because of my daughter’s choice to come out publicly that the church’s hands were tied so they had to enforce their policy.

After the last communication with Woodstock’s leadership, my family and I, with broken hearts, began the search for a new church. We’ve since met amazing community and my daughter has found a new place that encourages her to use her gifts. She’s dating someone, and we have found joy in ways we did not expect.

I only hope that North Point Ministries will understand that while they may have ‘good intentions,’ to be unclear is never the loving thing to do. It only causes harm.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,000 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #44 – Glenda Crump

Tags

LGBT, LGBTQ, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

Looking back now I can see that there were signs I/we should have picked up on. Like the many Christmas mornings that she discarded the dolls and frilly things and opted for her brothers cars and sports equipment. I should have noticed the lack of desire to wear lacy pink things and stating they were itchy when questioned. It should have been a clue when she adored only the female heroines in TV shows and movies. Certainly it should have been a red flag the day she told me she wanted to die young and when I asked her why she simply stated that no one cries over old people in an obituary but everyone is sad when someone young dies. I guess If I knew then what I know now I would have picked up on those clues but she didn’t even know she was gay yet how could we have known? In High school she just thought she was a good little Mormon girl when all her friends were having temptations with boys and getting into trouble and it wasn’t an issue for her at all. I suspect she started to realize the truth around  the age of 18. So she chose to go on a mission partly to delay the whole marriage issue and partly to ask her Heavenly Father that if she would serve Him for those 18 months if He would take away those feelings. She served valiantly but those feelings remained. After her mission my husband and I and 3 of her 8 siblings moved to Texas for work, and she went back to Utah State to continue her education….and she struggled. I was too far away to know the depths of her struggle or the pain and anguish she endured as she tried to navigate an unknown path completely alone. I knew she had depression and anxiety, I knew she had been to see doctors and a therapist, I knew she was on medication, I just didn’t know why she was suffering. My heart aches every time I think of how she must have felt alone and scared, knowing her future would never hold for her all that she had been promised, knowing her new path would take her away from the church she had grown up in, served in and Loved, knowing her secret would destroy her family.

I remember when she was having a hard time with a relationship she was having and I guess I just knew. We were talking on the phone, she was once again sad and I asked her if this painful relationship was a girl. Silence! Heartbreaking Silence on both ends! Then she just sobbed into the phone and my world crashed around me. I wanted to grab her through the phone and hold her and tell her we would figure it out. At the time I thought it was something she could “overcome”. I remember getting on my knees many times and begging Heavenly Father to change her, to send her someone that she COULD fall in Love with, have a Temple Marriage and a family with. I lined her up with a friends brother-in-law, he liked her …she is sweet and beautiful and fun… and I had hope. Then one day on the phone she said “Mom I will marry him if that is what YOU want” NO that is not what I want! I want you to marry who will make YOU happy.  Sadly I realized the big wedding she always dreamed of and planned for was gone her Temple marriage was gone. My heart hurt for the grandchildren I would Never have. I did not know how to help her, I did not know where to turn. When I went to my Bishop for guidance he gave me none, except to compare my sweet innocent daughter to a pedophile… I felt all alone. I didn’t know anyone who was gay and I was embarrassed that people would find out. My prayers changed then. Instead of asking Him to change her I began to pray for understanding, for a knowledge of how to help her, and for comfort for all of us. I prayed He would comfort and strengthen her, and keep her safe. How do I combine my Love for my daughter with my Love for a Gospel that is a part of who I am? I wanted to be True to the teachings that have guided my entire life, I wanted to follow the Prophet who I Loved, but I needed to Love my daughter. How do you do both in a religion that basically condemns her? I was confused, lost, scared and alone. I feared for her future, I mourned for the loss of my grand kids I thought she could never give me. They were some of the darkest days I have ever experienced.

 I remember shopping one day and I got a text message from her that read “Mom, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore.” and she named a long list of pills she had taken. I tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer the phone. I panicked ….I was over a thousand miles away from her. Her brothers and sisters and dad were an hour and a half away. I contacted the only person I knew who lived in Logan and she went and got her and took her to the hospital. I got on the first plane I could to Utah and spent some time with her, trying to help her figure it all out. But I didn’t even know how, there were no resources, no leadership help, no one who would understand and guide us. Every day was terrifying and after that, I hated to hear my phone ring. I never knew if I would one day loose her, the fear was crushing. There were days I couldn’t focus on anything but how to help her. I prayed more than ever and I read every book and pamphlet about the topic I could get my hands on. I watched pod casts and videos, and Ted talks and then I heard about the Mama Bears and the Mama Dragons. I can’t describe how much these groups of Compassionate, Caring, Loving women changed my life. I found solace when I thought there was none. I found women who had the same love for the Gospel AND for their gay children as I did. I found support, comfort, understanding, guidance, and most of all Unconditional Love…Pure Christ like Love ..and it saved me. It was like a gasp of air… life saving air after being under water feeling like you’re going to die. We share stories, we laugh together til our sides ache, we Celebrate together and we Cry together…the kind of crying when the tears are running down your face and your nose runs and your heart can’t take the sorrow one more second. Meeting these Mama’s  in person is like coming home where you feel warm and safe, and it gives you a strength that you didn’t know you even had. We get together for lunches and it is such a comfort to hear their stories and to share my own. I AM NO LONGER ALONE! and I feel empowered to share what I know so that I can help other families and save the lives of other kids who are struggling with their new path of the unknown.

I now have the courage to share what I know with the leaders in my faith so that they can help youth who come to them for guidance. I am so grateful that I can share our story to help bring understanding and acceptance for the LGBTQ community. My daughter still went through difficult times but I was better equipped to help her and I was not ashamed to fully accept who she is and to LOVE her, truly LOVE her the way she needed to be loved. I see my daughter in a more perfect light the way God sees her, the way He created her. I was able to help my daughter see that she had an incredible wonderful life ahead of her and that she had support and acceptance from her whole family. It helped her to know she was accepted and loved but she still has difficult days. She was married to a woman, and she had that Big Beautiful wedding in a Gorgeous white dress. They have a darling 5 year old girl and a 3 year old little boy that we all adore. They have since divorced so my daughter is a single mom who is completely devoted to her children. She is a High school teacher, writer, and an artist. My Heart is full every day for how my life has been blessed with her and her 2 children in it.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,000 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #38 – Jennifer Stringfellow

Tags

bible, Christian, church, LGBT, LGBTQ, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

 

We’re Angry

 

 

Do you know what just occurred to me?💡

The reason I and many other moms of LGBTQ kids come across as angry?

Its because we are.

We’re angry!

 

We did everything right according to bringing a child up in a Christian home. We did all the things. We brought our kids to church, we taught our kids from the Bible, we taught them to pray and prayed with them, we taught them right from wrong, we sang the songs ‘Jesus loves me this I know’ being the A#1 song, we made sure every summer they were in VBS, we went to all the extracurricular functions, we taught abstinence until marriage, we did everything we could do to make sure our children were saved and would enter the kingdom of heaven.

 

And what did The Church do to our kids when they came out and told the truth about who they are? The Church told them they are broken. That the way they were born to be is a sin. An abomination. That the only way to be acceptable is to marry someone they have no attraction to or to force them into celibacy.

 

And do you know what a lot of our LGBTQ kids have done about The Churches treatment of them??? They’ve given the middle finger to Christianity. They can’t live… literally cannot stay alive and surround themselves with The Churches options for them for the way they were born to be. And this is why our kids separate themselves from The Church… so they can literally keep breathing.

 

So yeah, I’m angry. I’m really angry. That all the years and all the work I put in to making sure my children love Jesus has been snuffed out in one fell stroke by The Church. Neither of my kids claim Christianity as their faith.

 

Thanks Church.

 

Jesus would have none of this😞

 

And that’s an explanation on why we come across as angry.

 

It’s because we ARE!

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 3,800 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #30 – JoAnn Forsberg

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

 

1984. After hanging up the phone, I went and turned on the shower. Standing in there crying, head upon the wall. Thinking everything I knew for years in fundamental Christianity was washing down the drain with my tears.

It wasn’t my son, yet. It was my brother who had just came out to me as gay. Gay in an era when people still whispered in church pews about anyone who even remotely seemed different than the picture perfect post card we all joked about. You know, the postcard with the picture of a white (straight) American Christian.

At that moment everything I knew about Christian life was now over. For if God was going to hate my brother, he would have to hate me too. The search began as I tried to imagine how a loving God could reject any child of his?

Of course, the normal happened. I was asked to shut up or leave church. So I left. I started studying every theology book I could find. It was a tough study, but, I was no longer going to rely upon a preacher to teach me. I wanted to know what great minds of history had to say.

No internet yet, just a soul seeking knowing in my spirit that God had to be more vast than the minds teaching Christ.

In 1989, my third son, Chad, was born, by the time he was five, we realized this creative child was unique himself. So, when he “came out” at fifteen it was more a celebration of him being able to feel comfortable with himself. To be comfortable in his family. To be fully loved and embraced.

Today, in this family, we joke about half of our extended relatives being gay. Some are “adopted in” as we will wrap our arms around any who need a family.

It’s normal, it’s just real life, it’s just family. We don’t even think about who is gay or who is straight. We are just family.

Blessings. JoAnn

The Fruit Doesn’t Lie

Tags

affirming, bible, Christian, church, Fruit, Jesus, LGBT, LGBTQ, Same Sex Marriage, scripture, Support, theology, transgender

Some Christians worry that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people might end up being the wrong thing to do. They wonder how they can be certain they are embracing the good and right position.

As someone who was not always affirming or supportive I can understand their doubts but I no longer have those doubts. I feel confident that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people, their relationships and their identities is the good and right position to hold.

My confidence and assurance is because I keep coming back to this …

The fruit doesn’t lie.

Good theology should produce good fruit and non-affirming/anti-gay/anti trans theology doesn’t pass that test.

Most of the time non-affirming/anti-gay/anti trans theology produces bad fruit in the lives of lgbtq people who try to embrace it wholeheartedly. Fruit such as depression, despair and self loathing are very common results.

We can almost always find a verse or teacher or book to match our beliefs, but … the fruit doesn’t lie.

If a theology is mostly producing bad fruit you know it isn’t the truth and should be abandoned, because … the fruit doesn’t lie.

 

In Matthew 7 Jesus said if you aren’t sure about something check out the fruit it is producing, because “every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit”

People were asking Jesus a lot of questions.

They wanted to know what they should believe – who they should follow – who they should emulate and support.

They wanted to know who was right – who knew the true way – what prophets should they trust – what rabbi should they follow?

Instead of answering with a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts, or naming names, Jesus offered a formula that would be useful to truth seekers throughout all of time.

Jesus advised those who were listening …

When you are not sure about a specific doctrine, or a certain theological point, or some Christian message you can simply check out the fruit that it is producing.

If it is producing good fruit then it is of God and true. Embrace and follow the teaching.

If it is producing bad fruit then it is not of God and not true. Abandon the teaching.

Scripture does not address most things specifically. Instead it gives us some guiding principles to live by. Then people come along and try to figure out how to apply those guiding principles to real life. When we get it right it mostly leads to whole, healthy, vibrant lives. When we get it wrong it mostly leads to broken, unhealthy, hopeless lives.

If a specific doctrine is mostly producing self loathing, despair, hopelessness, depression, isolation, shame, self harm and other such bad fruit then it’s a no brainer … it’s not good doctrine and we should abandon it.

We can twist scripture to fit with our own perspective.

We can cherry pick and only choose those scriptures that support our view.

We can ignore original language and historical context so that scripture seems to support our argument.

We can almost always find a verse to more or less say what we want it to say.

We can almost always find a Christian leader to teach what we believe.

We can almost always find a book that supports our point of view.

We can almost always find a church that represents our belief.

BUT … the fruit doesn’t lie.

I’m confident that anti-gay/non-affirming/anti-trans theology is wrong because it consistently produces bad fruit and I’m confident that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people, their relationships and identities is good and right because …

When you listen to and get to know LGBTQ Christians who are connecting with faith communities and theology that affirms their relationships and identities you will find they are experiencing a lot of good fruit in their lives. They are typically healthier in every way – relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

The fruit doesn’t lie!

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***If you would like to delve deeper into what scripture says and doesn’t say about same sex relationships check out this post which addresses the verses most often used to condemn same sex relationships.

***Read the story of how my faith led me to become affirming of same sex relationships:
I became affirming because of my faith, not in spite of it!

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***If you are the mom of an LGBTQ kid there is a great online community you might want to join. Go here to find out more about Serendipitydodah for Moms, a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. 

Mama Bear Story Project #28 – Jaron Terry

Tags

Light, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

 

Living in the Light

“Haven’t I always told you that there is nothing you could ever say, do, want, think, need, or be that would keep me from loving you?” These words closed my late-night text conversation with our son when he came out to me, five years ago today.

He was a junior in college and I had just finished watching his fraternity’s “It Gets Better” video. Although other students in the video identified themselves as gay or ally, he did not. When I heard my only child say, “I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere, and that I was really weird,” and “You don’t have to live in the shadows,” I knew he was saying he is gay.

I’ll never forget my emotions when the next evening he told his dad and me: “I want to live my life in the light. People who are forced to live in the dark do dark things, and I choose to live in the light.” He said he’d always known he was gay and he was relieved that we could accept him. That broke my heart because we more than accept him; we love him.

Among my emotions that night was relief, because since he was a small child I’d thought he might “turn out to be” gay, not yet understanding that, indeed, he was born gay. Always such a gentle and empathetic boy, I was relieved that he felt he could be honest with us. I knew that it took a lot of courage, because, sadly, too many kids are disowned when they come out.

I also felt fear. The fear I had started tamping down from when he was only a toddler, as hateful rhetoric spilled from the television about the military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy, and again when he was four and the Defense of Marriage Act mandated that marriage was only for straight people. Ellen DeGeneres came out when he was 5-years-old, and within months her sitcom was cancelled. But my fear greatly intensified when our son was in grade school, and young Matthew Shepard was horrifically and brutally murdered at the hands of homophobic bullies. And, just two weeks after our son left for college, Rutgers University sophomore Tyler Clementi tragically jumped to his death after bullies shattered his life by invading his privacy.

I also felt sadness – sad that when he was in middle school, I tried to “steer him” away from being gay – like he had a choice. Although I’d had gay friends, I knew their lives were difficult because of how they were treated, and I didn’t want that for my boy. And, I was sad about the daughter-in-law and grandchildren I had envisioned. I now know that even if one’s “life script” changes, the happily-ever-after story doesn’t have to – just re-cast the characters.

Next, I started worrying about how to publicly acknowledge this new reality. I had been raised in the school of “what will people say” and what worried me most was what I already knew the people of the United Methodist Church would say. I’d heard what those at the UMC where we’d raised our son thought of LGBTQ people, and I’m ashamed to admit I never called them on it. Why? I was afraid that doing so would cast doubt on my son’s sexuality. So, when he came out of the closet, I took my relief, sadness and fear into my own closet to gather myself for the coming battle I sensed.

Darkness of Judgment and Anger
I began reading and studying everything I could find, including Justin Lee’s book “Torn;” Savage & Miller’s “It Gets Better;” and Betty DeGeneres’ beautiful story, “Love, Ellen.” With education came growth and also the next stage: being open about our love and support of our son – and confronting those who tried to convince us we were wrong. That included the church where we’d worshipped for nearly 25 years.

I was so angry about the UMC’s stiff-necked stupidity! Just four weeks after our son came out in 2013, Republican Ohio Senator Rob Portman, whose son is also gay, announced a “change of heart” and supported gay couples’ opportunity to marry. In response, the so-called church “ladies” said horrible things about LGBTQ people during Bible study. Even though I explained with my newfound knowledge that the “clobber verses” they quoted did not say what they had been taught to believe, just two weeks later – when basketball star Magic Johnson’s son came out – the same ugly things were said. In my opinion, the verse that really does the clobbering is John 13:34-35.

I am thankful that during the height of our painful shunning by church members – including those in our share group – we attended a Reconciling Ministries Network class, “When Kids Come Out,” where I first met fellow Mama Bears and was invited to join this loving online community. The warmth and counsel from other mothers who also love and affirm their LGBTQ children has been a balm and bolster. A balm in that for the first time I was no longer alone, and a bolster in their encouragement to stand up and speak out to defend LGBTQ people from the fear and hate engendered by ignorant misinterpretation of scripture and the resulting harmful stereotyping.

My husband and I had already begun “shaking the dust off our feet,” searching for an open and affirming church, when we received an invitation from our UMC’s pastor to lead a new share group. So we decided to take another shot at educating church members and proposed a group for “Families and Loved Ones of LGBTQ persons.” We were called into the office where I was horrified to be told: “This issue will not be discussed. Not here, not now, not ever.” After several months of trying to inform him and soften his heart, we had a loud, unpleasant blow-out that ended with our terminating our membership. It was necessary, but painful to leave the church community we had been part of for so long, and where we knew other families – still in the closet – remained silent about their children. In 2020, the UMC will have a final chance to vote yes on inclusion.

Embracing Light

I am certain that if being LGBTQ were “incompatible with Christian teaching,” as the UMC says, then Jesus would have said something about it. The fact is that “Christian teaching” and “Christ’s teaching” are two different things. Christian teaching is all about the rulebook – who’s in and who’s out. But Christ’s teaching is about inclusive love. Love is what matters most; love is what matters in the end. Jesus even gave a new commandment about it.

My views on the value of having organized religion and church in one’s life have sharply shifted – I no longer think it’s always helpful; instead it’s usually harmful. However, I do believe that the pervasive spirit of what many call “God” is real. I don’t believe God “listens to” or responds to prayer, blessing some while ignoring or punishing others. Instead, I believe that contemplation of the presence of God keeps me in the flow of the spirit, aware and attuned to living in the light. Indeed, Jesus promised us the Holy Spirit as counselor to help us understand things not yet comprehensible. He even warned us against resisting the transformative work of the Spirit.

Since I became a Mama Bear three years ago, basking in this nurturing network of friends and sisters, I’ve been able to turn my anger into action. These mothers have helped me develop the courage and the confidence to be an outspoken advocate for the LGBTQ community. I serve on the national diversity & inclusion committee for my professional association; I write articles and give presentations on writing/speaking and making the business case for LGBTQ inclusion; I am president of our local PFLAG chapter, and, of course, I encourage other mothers. Together, my husband and I financially support advocacy organizations, march in the Pride Parade and explore new ways of understanding and being one with God.

So much has changed, but what remains unchanged is how very much we love our son and how proud we are of who he is: Our son is an honorable man. He is happy, fun and outgoing, devoted to his true friends and to his family. He is educated and interested in his profession, dedicated to helping his organization’s clients realize their own passion for serving nonprofit agencies. Our son is artistic, creative and talented, launching Olly Awake, a gender equal clothing line to positively impact those who want to be their own best versions. And, he is also an advocate for equality, volunteering with the Human Rights Campaign, and other groups that advance justice and inclusion for the LGBTQ community. Most importantly, our son is out of the closet, living his life in the light.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and as of November 2018 has more than 3,700 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

 

 

Love Others and Hate Your Own Sin

Tags

Christians Talk, Jesus, LGBT, LGBTQ, love is the movement, love one another, love the sinner hate the sin, video

Recently, my husband and I were interviewed at our home by the good people who create the Christians Talk videos.

During the interview they asked me what I thought about the phrase “love the sinner, hate the sin”

You can watch their video HERE that includes responses from several Christians about the phrase.

What I wanted to say but probably failed to say because I was nervous that day when we were being interviewed was this:

Instead of saying “love the sinner, hate the sin” Christians should be saying:

“Love others and hate your own sin!”

The phrase “love the sinner, hate the sin” doesn’t honor the basic tenets of Christianity because it leads Christians to focus on hating rather than on loving.

When someone says “love the sinner, hate the sin” the focus is not on “loving” – the focus is on “hating”

The person using the phrase is thinking about how much they hate the sin of homosexuality and how much they want to get that point across.

The lgbt person hearing the phrase is thinking about how the person who is using the phrase hates who they are at the core of their being because they know that being lgbt has more to do with “who they are” than who they might have sex with.

As someone who is serious about following Jesus I always want to know what Jesus had to say about it and as it turns out Jesus never said “love the sinner, hate the sin” – in fact, no one in the bible said it.

But …

In Matthew 7 Jesus did say:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

In other words, Jesus was saying worry about your own sin and when you have rid yourself of all your own sin then you can worry about hating someone else’s sin.

Jesus also said:

“love one another: just as I have loved you”

So …

I think “love others, hate your own sin” would be a better phrase for Christians to use.

Or even better, let’s just shorten it to “love” and leave it at that.

#loveisthemovement #loveoneanother #love #greatestcommandment

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Liz Dyer is founder and owner of Serendipitydodah for Moms, a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids.

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is set up so that only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,300 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com