Mama Bear Story Project #35 – Amy Orwig

Tags

affirming, Christian, LGBT, LGBTQ, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Parenting, Story, transgender

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

Some moments are indelibly etched in our memories.  For me, the way my husband looked at me, with such love and pride, as the doors to the chapel opened and the Wedding March began, is one of those happy memories that stays with me. (In September, we will be celebrating our 25th anniversary).  The joy of holding our first baby, for the first time, nearly 22 years ago – and again, nearly 19 years ago, when our youngest was born – makes up another happy memory.

Then there are the other memories…the ones that send the world tilting, crazily, on it’s side.  Shared memories, such as watching, with absolute horror, as the twin towers in NYC fell – and the uncertainty and fear for our safety, and our children’s futures, that we felt.  The uncertainty of what to do when our oldest injured herself the first time, the fear when she stopped breathing for a second, (that felt like an eternity), before letting out a blood-curdling cry. (She’s fine by the way).

And the way time absolutely stood still when my husband told us that our youngest was bi-sexual.  It was February 24th, 2017.  We had just enjoyed a wonderful evening with another couple, whom we have been friends with for years.  During dinner, they had told us that their son had proposed to his girlfriend – outwardly, I had congratulated them, while, inwardly, I fretted that our son would ever talk to a girl, let alone go out on a date!  So, on the way home, as these thoughts were going through my head, my husband told me about a recent conversation he had had with our son.  He told me that our Ryan, then 17, was bi-sexual.  And, the world tilted – and I felt sick, and filled with disbelief, and held onto hope that, maybe, he was just confused.  But, when we got home, I told that precious child that I loved him, and nothing could ever change that, and assured him that God loves him, too – and he said, “I know”.  I went upstairs, to our bedroom, that night and searched for what a Christian parent should do in this situation…and the overwhelming answer was just unthinkable!  No way would I kick my child out!  Then, I saw a loving response that mentioned Linda Mueller Robertson’s story.  I read her story, with tears in my eyes, and, from there I found the wonderful Facebook groups.

Those first few weeks, after that revelation, I was a bit of a zombie.  I didn’t sleep well, as my nights were peppered with me waking up, pleading with God to not let this be true.  The world would not be kind to my child, if this was true!  Then, one night, as I stood, shivering in the backyard with our puppy, (wishing he would hurry and do his business), I looked up at the vast array of stars and just cried out to God – why me?  Why us?  We homeschool, we take our children to church every Sunday!  Why?  And, in answer, I felt peace, and I knew all would be well.   A week, or so, later, I dreamt about spiders – not a scary dream, a dream about all of the vast variety of spiders, some of which we haven’t even discovered, yet – and I woke knowing that God was telling me that His creation is vaster, and more diverse, that I had ever realized.  And, again, I felt peace.

Our church has a prophecy ministry.  Now, I will be honest, I was always a bit sceptical about this kind of thing, but I am starting to rethink this, as well.  A couple of months after Ryan had come out to us, my husband expressed a wish to go to the prophecy ministry…so I went along.  Those people told me that I am beloved, (indeed the name, “Amy”, means beloved), and that, because of this, God was going to show me more about love.  And, He was going to surround me with people who were outcasts, who are often avoided by others.  And, He was going to make me like a fighter jet.  And I got chills – and knew that there would be no turning back, we were well, and truly, on this journey…and I felt peace.

On July 22, 2017, our son, who had just completed the rank of Eagle Scout, turned 18.  We had planned to go on a canoe trip, since he enjoyed this sort of thing (my husband and I are not swimmers, so we were a bit nervous), but there had been flooding.  Instead, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, Ryan’s choice, had cake & ice cream, and planned to watch a movie at home.  After our cake, Ryan disappeared into the bathroom for close to an hour.  He had been having stomach issues so, while concerned, we were not completely surprised…until my husband received a text from Ryan.  This text made the world tilt, again, and go spinning in a completely opposite direction.  Our Ryan, the text explained, was actually our daughter.  Doug and I assured our youngest of our love – and tried to go on as though nothing had happened.  And there was no peace in my soul that night.

Since turning 18, our youngest has become a new, even more delightful, person.  We have two daughters now.  Our oldest is Elizabeth, and she is 21, will be finishing her senior year of college this year, has plans to marry her boyfriend, (we like him, so it’s a good thing), and go to graduate school.  And we have our soon to be 19 year old daughter, Chloe.  Every day, it seems, we see a new aspect of this child, whom we, thought, we have known since birth. She is so different now, and, yet, the same.  She is still the loving, caring, hilarious child, with impeccable comedic timing, we have always known.  At first the changes were nearly overwhelming!  There were the struggles, on our part, of getting used to the new name and pronouns.  The struggles to maintain a poker face when seeing that child in a dress for the first time.  The new appointments on our calendar – therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments, groups for LGBTQ teens, and groups for their parents, (I had been surprised to find that nothing like this existed in our area, so I started the groups – so this level of busyness is my fault), have kept us running.  And my husband, Elizabeth, and I have been trying to keep up with Chloe, as she blossoms into the person she was meant to be.

I often reflect on the past…were there signs, that we missed, that our youngest was transgender?  In retrospect, yes…at the time, no.  There was the lack of interest in sports – but, neither my husband, nor I are athletic, so this wasn’t a total surprise.  There was the time our Elizabeth dressed her toddler “brother” in her My Size Barbie dress – and the look of absolute joy on that baby’s face!  The time we went hiking through a local park, and my husband took the lead, (to go through any spider webs first), and we said, “someday, Ryan, you will be the dad, and you can walk through the webs” – and that child cried.  And, there was the time, before I even had official confirmation that I was pregnant with this child, that I was awakened from a nap by a loud, booming – yet completely silent to everyone else – voice that told me that this child would be used for God’s purposes.  And, as I reflect back on what this last year has been, on the new groups that have found us surrounded by people we might have, previously, avoided, (and missed out on an amazing blessing, I might add), the change in the way I view the Bible’s teachings – now, rather than being a judgmental, law-concerned Pharisee, I strive to be a Jesus follower who loves everyone, and fights for justice – the joy in our Chloe’s eyes, her willingness to share her life with us, I am filled with joy, and peace.  All will be well,

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 3,000 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

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Mama Bear Story Project #34 – Vanessa Valenziano

Tags

Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Mother, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Trans Youth, transgender

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

 

I’m Vanessa, a 41 year old single mom of one amazing transgender son, age 9.

My Dylan, was assigned female at birth, but it wasn’t long before we noticed a rejection of everything female. Around age 2, he gravitated towards boy toys, clothes, TV shows, willfully demanding to remove his dress or hair bows.

As we followed his lead for the next few years, we assumed this to be a phase, or maybe that “she” was the proverbial tomboy. It was definitely on my radar, the possibility that he was transgender, but something I also pushed away, far out of my mind, denying that a child could know themselves well enough to realize such a thing. I was supportive of the gender fluidity of his person, yet consciously avoided researching if young children needed something more when they presented such an obvious rejection of their assigned gender.

I was scared. I was fully aware of the discrimination and difficult path this would mean for my child. And no parent wants their child’s life to be more difficult than it is a straight, cis-gender (non trans) person. So, denial suited me.

By age 5, he had consistently and persistently imaginary played as the male role, drew himself in art as male, and insisted on boy’s clothing from head to toe.

By 6, he was verbalizing that he “felt like a boy” in his “heart and mind”, even had tried on several boy’s names.

I kept an open dialogue with him, voicing my support if he was ready to make that kind of change, but he would tell me, “No, mama. I’m fine being a girl. It’s ok”.

Until it wasn’t.

By age 8, he was self-harming and isolating himself at school. He was unsure of where he fit in and was carrying around so much shame because of how he was feeling, which ultimately, and quickly, led us to his social transition.
He began using his preferred name and male pronouns at home, then with family and friends, and eventually came out at school.

A new child emerged. One I didn’t know existed. One with confidence, spark, and poise. I didn’t know how much hurt he had until he really lived his whole truth. This transformation can only be described metaphorically as a caterpillar to a beautiful, amazing butterfly. It was the most gorgeous, freeing, experience to watch my child bloom into who he really was.

As a mom, an advocate, an ally, and a recent activist, I’ve learned so much. But above all, I have realized what a true gift it is to parent this child. Yes, every child is a gift, but a raising a transgender child has brought so much clarity to my life. The amount of education that my son has provided me, the bravery he has shown, his self-advocacy and the incredible self worth that has emerged, it has truly changed me as a human. Children are brilliant and they understand so much more about themselves than we do. We simply don’t give them enough credit.

And this journey has taught me about unconditional love- not only the love that I have for him but the love that others have shown us. And it’s all been enlightening and rare and gorgeous.

Having a transgender child would have never made my top 100 list of parenting challenges, had someone asked me before having a child. But I am so glad I was chosen for the task.

It is my honor and my privilege to parent this gorgeous soul.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,900 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #33 – Amber Briggle

Tags

Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Parenting, Pride, Pride and Joy, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

PRIDE: a mom’s reflection on raising a transgender warrior

I’ve always been proud of my kids. They are considerate and kind (to everyone but each other), they are helpful, they are bright, they are articulate, and they tell the best jokes. Our den is cluttered with box forts and half-finished science experiments, and our walls are plastered with their art and school pictures. They’re the best kids any mama could ask for — and that fact has never changed, even when I realized that my freckle-faced, brown-eyed first born is transgender.

When Max (as he’s called now) told me he was a boy, he was only 2 years old. I didn’t believe him. I explained that there were a million different ways to be a girl, and that we could “redefine girly” together. Eventually we let him cut his pigtails and wear Spider-Man t-shirts, and it wasn’t too long before this kid really did look like a stereotypical boy. For years, I would correct people when they’d compliment him on what a helpful “young man” he was. Proudly, I’d boast that this was my daughter, and that there was no one right way to be a girl, and isn’t this child basically the best for ignoring cultural stereotypes, blah blah blah. This continued for years before I finally noticed the way my baby would get embarrassed, and how he’d shrink a little more every time I explained that this was actually a girl (gasp!). After enough moments like this, I started to wonder: maybe the rest of the world wasn’t misgendering my child — maybe I was.

Throughout all of this, Max was insistent, persistent, and consistent in his gender identity, and patient with me as he tried explaining in a million different ways that he was really a boy. I didn’t know that the word “transgender” even existed, let alone it could be an experience that a child could have. Yet I never questioned Max’s little sister, Lulu, on her gender identity — I had no reason to, since she identifies with the gender she was assigned at birth (a term called cisgender). Despite the fact that she’s four years younger than Max, no one has ever thought to challenge her on her gender identity. So why would anyone — including myself — think it’s okay to question Max on his?

A lot of research, prayer, communication, and discernment revealed the answers that my family was desperately seeking. A rise of visibility among young transgender Americans like Jazz Jennings encouraged families like mine to start talking with each other about their gender expansive kids, free from the shame or guilt that so many of us have been told to believe — that we had somehow failed our children by “letting” them be trans. Yet nothing could be farther from the truth. Because while a 2014 study by the Williams Institute showed that 41% of trans youth have attempted suicide at least once (a number that is nine times higher than the national average), those same transgender children experience the same levels of mental and physical health as their cisgender peers when they are supported, loved, affirmed, and embraced at home and at school. By rejecting a child’s gender expression and identity, we as their parents are slowly destroying them. The decision (if you could call it that) became clear at that point — Max didn’t choose to be transgender, but my husband and I chose to love him wholeheartedly. Ultimately, it was more important to us to support our son, than to risk burying our daughter.

These things take time. This wasn’t an overnight revelation, nor a quick social transition. But after years of watching, embracing, and supporting Max in everything from sports to dress to pronouns, he gradually became the person he was always meant to be — a brilliant boy with a soft spot in his heart for cats, tacos, and ukuleles.

This Pride Month, I am incredibly proud of Max for teaching me as his mama the true meaning of unconditional love and for changing the world in the process. When I was pregnant with him, I never cared if I was having a boy or girl — all I wanted was a healthy, happy baby. Nothing about him has changed except for his pronouns. Unfortunately, there are far too many LGBTQ kids who are kicked out of their homes, disowned by their parents, and ostracized by their friends once they “come out”. According to a report by Chapin Hall at the University of Chicago, queer-identified youth have a 120% higher risk of reporting homelessness than their straight or cisgender peers. Additionally, one in 30 LGBTQ teens have experienced homelessness at some point in the last 12 months. The people who should be protecting these vulnerable children are the very same ones who are harming them. Rather than being their child’s biggest fan, far too many parents have become their child’s biggest bully. And it breaks my damn heart. Because quite honestly, if it’s hard to love your kids, then you’re doing it wrong. Full stop.

Max challenges me every day to live my truth out loud, to be a better person, to live openly and honestly, and to advocate for the vulnerable, the marginalized, and the invisible. By being true to himself he has opened the eyes and melted the hearts of people across the country, and has influenced policy as a result. When Max had anti-LGBTQ Attorney General Ken Paxton over for dinner — a man who was actively suing the Obama administration over the DOJ’s transgender protection guidelines in an attempt to strip away the visibility and safety of hundreds of thousands of trans Americans in the process — and showed him just how adorable he was with his cute magic tricks and his Pokemon collection, the entire state of Texas watched. When Max was invited to the White House to meet President Obama, the most powerful person in the world paid attention to his story. And when Max travelled to Austin last year to practically beg Texas legislators to stop bullying him and to please not pass any “bathroom bills”, a reporter saw this sweet boy — exhausted, frustrated, and crying in my arms as we I comforted him on the cold, granite floor outside of Governor Abbott’s office. That reporter took a picture that went viral, and people from literally around the world saw what happens when we treat transgender kids as political pawns in pissing contests.

Of the 30 anti-LGBTQ bills that were filed in Texas in 2017 (which, for those of you keeping score at home, is more than any state legislature in the history of this country), we were able to defeat 29 of them — and, to our great relief, not a single bathroom bill passed. I truly believe this positive outcome — in Texas, of all places! — is because of the hard work and sweet faces of kids like Max, who is part of the newest generation of a half century’s worth of LGBTQ activists.

Pride began with another transgender individual: Marsha P Johnson, a trans woman of color who was tired of living in fear and being pushed to the shadows. So when the police showed up again at the Stonewall Inn on June 28, 1969, Ms. Johnson took a stand, and in turn started a revolution that we are still fighting today. Max is one of this revolution’s youngest warriors: but instead of fists and stones, he’s fighting back with his words.

And Max isn’t the only one. Across the country, we are seeing tiny-but-fierce trans girls like Kai Shappley and Marilyn Morrison living their lives authentically and elevating the conversation about gender and what it means to be nice to each other. We have National Geographic cover girls like Avery Jackson, living in America’s heartland, and bringing visibility to an issue and experience that so few of us had thought about before she came along. And we have national treasures like Gavin Grimm, a transgender young man who sued his Virginia high school for his right to use the bathroom, and was subsequently recognized in a federal court decision for being such an important human-rights hero, that the court’s opinion will bring you to tears.

This Pride Month, and every month, I am proud of the LGBTQ Americans who live boldly every day — whose very existence is its own form of protest. And yet, Max and his peers don’t have political agendas — they’re just kids, worried about the same things that your kids are worried about: whether or not they’ll get to watch one more cartoon before bed, how much money the tooth fairy is going to bring them, and if the cat is going to be okay after eating that weird bug. Somehow, though, that very act of living out loud AND being simultaneously incredibly relatable and adorable is exactly the thing that is changing the world for the better. We saw it during the fight for marriage equality and the overturning of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” and we’re seeing it today as we continue to fight for federal protections like the Equality Act, which would guarantee that Max could never be fired from his job or denied housing or services simply because he is transgender.

My son is just one in an army of hope, and I will follow him wherever he goes. He hasn’t led me astray yet — in fact, I and countless others are better for knowing him — and I believe that he and his peers will create a better, brighter, more equal future for us all if we are willing to give them the space they need to lead — not just during Pride month, but year round.

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Amber Briggle is a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms who also blogs at Love to the Max

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,900 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Proud Moms at Pride!

Tags

Gay Pride, LGBT, LGBTQ, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Pride, Serendipitydodah for Moms

They wear “Free Mom Hugs” t-shirts and buttons, they make signs, they carry banners, they walk in parades.

They are moms of lgbtq kids who go to pride events because they’re proud of their kids and want to show it!

They paint their faces, they wear lots of rainbow stuff, they listen to stories, they stand for hours with their arms flung wide ready to embrace those who need a hug.

They are moms of lgbtq kids who go to pride events because they’re proud of their kids and want to show it!

They go with their kids, they go alone, they go with other moms, they go with their spouse, they go with corporations, churches, organizations.

They are moms of lgbtq kids who go to pride events because they’re proud of their kids and want to show it!

They go for the first time. They go for the second, third, fourth time. They go early, they stay late. They work booths, they clean up, they serve drinks, they ride on floats. They go until they are exhausted.

They are moms of lgbtq kids who go to pride parades because they’re proud of their kids and want to show it!

💙💛💚💜❤️

Check out this video with lots of Pride pictures that members of Serendipitydodah for Moms are sharing …

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,800 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #32 – Jamie Parnell

Tags

family, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, love, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Parenting, Story, Support, Trans Youth, transgender

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

 

Transgender. Transition. Transformation. Transparent. Transcend.

These are some of the words that come to mind when I think about the past 18 months of my life since my oldest child came out of the closet as transgender {female to male}. He was fifteen, at the time, and living as Kate, the daughter I had given birth to and loved with all my heart.

In that conversation, he told me he had never felt like a girl and that he couldn’t keep on trying to be someone he wasn’t. I listened to his story, told him I loved him more than anything in this world, and how honored I was that he had trusted me with such a deep and personal truth. And when he asked if I was surprised, I said no. You see, at age two, he had told me he wanted to be a boy, and at age six he told me he wasn’t my daughter…he was my son. So I had an inkling that this was a possibility, if not a probability. We had many more conversations in the weeks following his disclosure, and as a family, came up with a plan for Kate {she/her} to transition to Kaden {he/him}.

My emotions were all over the place. I felt deep sorrow that my child had walked this earth in silence, unable to express his true identity for fear of rejection from his family, especially from his dad and I. I felt grief for a loss that I couldn’t quite define. After all, I still had my child, but I was trading what I knew…a daughter, even as unhappy, and in pain as she was, for someone and some life I couldn’t see, understand, or feel yet. The temptation to run away and hide was unbelievable. I felt moments of gut wrenching pain and wondered if I would ever feel joy again. I was scared for Kaden’s future and all of ours, too. I was scared that he would be the victim of violence or experience horrible pain from surgeries or loss of relationships. I was scared that my younger kids would suffer, as well. I was also scared that we would lose our family, friends and church. That being said, I was convinced that allowing our child to be his authentic self was the only right decision to make, no matter the consequences to the rest of us. I knew this choice was a matter of life and death as the suicide rate for transgender youth is alarmingly high. There were a few moments, however, when I considered resisting his transition, but a darkness I cannot describe, would come over me and I would feel immense pain which would only resolve when I let go of the fight to keep Kate. I now realize that those dark moments were when I was stuck in my head, trying to logic it all away. When I would check in with my heart, feel the unconditional love I had for my baby, and shut down my fear based thoughts, everything became clear. Welcoming Kaden was our only choice.

Those first few weeks after the haircut and the beginning of Kaden’s social transition, in December 2016, were difficult, to say the least. Everything felt new and unfamiliar. I wasn’t used to Kaden. I struggled with his name and pronouns and I did not yet recognize this person living in my home. That first week of school, as Kaden, was so hard on him and yet he told me EVERY SINGLE DAY, that as painful as it was {being talked about, being told he was an abomination to God, being rejected by some of his bible study friends, etc.}, it was far easier than living a lie {pretending to be ok, so that everyone else could feel ok.}. There are some things in life that you just can’t wrap your head around, so you must use your heart instead. That was, and continues to be, a huge lesson I was learning more and more each day. I had to trust that God had us in His capable hands and that He would get us through….though I had my moments of doubt. Thankfully, Kaden only had to endure one week of school before Christmas break, which was a huge blessing and absolutely part of God’s amazing timing. The break gave us all some time to get acquainted and adjusted to this massive change in our lives. I still did not see the light at the end of the tunnel, and just came to accept that our path would be illuminated bit by bit, and the best thing I could do for myself and my family, was to stay in the present moment. I wasn’t to know what our future held, so I needed to let go.

After a few months, I began to feel a distinct change within our family. We went from living with a kid who hated himself and resented having to play a role, to having one who lived authentically and free. He was no longer angry that his brother had the life he always wanted and no longer hated being grouped with a sister he didn’t relate to. He was so much happier and his relationships with Cameron and Claire changed dramatically. He was patient, kind, and gentler with his words than he had ever been before. He also had empathy for the challenges and pain they were experiencing with his transition. And they responded to this new dynamic with acceptance and love. It was so beautiful. I remember being on a road trip with the three of them, in April 2017, and was blown away at how well they got along together and truly enjoyed one another’s presence. I told Scott then that I wouldn’t go back to the way it was, even if I could.

Our life since Kaden began his transition has been excruciating and extraordinary, both of which I will continue to share about on my blog. Much of my writing will be about Kaden, but I’ll also share about my own transformation through this journey of supporting and unconditionally loving my transgender child. I hope you’ll join me.

xoxo

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Jamie Parnell is a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms who also blogs at My Life in Trans

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,800 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #31 – Cynthia Corsetti

Tags

Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Pride, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

A Mom’s Perspective of Pride
For me, PRIDE Month is a time to reflect on a journey that I take as the mom of a gay son. Trust me, it is a journey like no other.

The journey began the day my child came to me and shared a deeply held secret that he had attempted to hide for his entire life. I felt shocked at first. Shocked that there could be something so BIG that I didn’t know about my own child. I interact with him every day, I lived with this person, I raised him, I thought I knew every… single… thing there was to know and then BAM, he tells me he is gay. The initial shock hit like a freight train.

Soon, the shock subsided. It happened rather quickly. Next came remorse. Not remorse that he is gay, that part changes nothing of my love for my child; but remorse for all the years that I didn’t know. How much pain had he endured all those years? Was he fighting it? Was he praying that God would change him? Did he think it would change my love for him? My beautiful amazing son that God himself made exactly as he was, was he feeling that I might think less of him? Remorse hit hard and I had to learn to forgive myself so that I could move on.

The Fear is Overwhelming at Times
Once the shock and remorse began to wane, another emotion reared its head. This one hit harder than the first two combined and it is not one that I will entirely overcome. This emotion is unimaginable fear. Fear because there is so much hate in this world and often the LGBTQ community is the target of this hate. From the moment I heard the words, “mom I’m gay”, there has not been a day without that fear entering my awareness. It does not go away. Not ever. I’m reminded of it each day when I see hate being spread in social media like wild fire. I learn to live with it and I remain steadfast in my belief of a higher power that ultimately will allow love to conquer hate.

Then Life Happens
But then, even with that belief, an event like the Orlando Night Club shooting will happen and it cuts to my very core. My heart literally breaks for the other moms. The moms whose most horrific fears were realized. After an event like this, it takes a while to regain my sense of strength so that I can go on without the fear consuming me.

But, alas, I must continue my journey as a mom. I love my child completely so I must look beyond the fear. It is time I decide to stand strong and push the fear to the deepest crevasse in my mind; knowing that I must allow the love to be stronger than the fear. And THAT is when I recognize that PRIDE truly outweighs every other emotion – including the fear.

It was at this point, once my journey had taken me through all the other emotions, I began to swell with PRIDE. PRIDE that he not only survived holding this deep secret for so long, but he thrived. He remained solid in his own faith and convictions. He held onto his own self-worth and when the world was pulling him down and felt he couldn’t reach out to his own family, he stood strong. Yes, PRIDE began to fill my heart.

The Pride Grows
The PRIDE continues as I admire this young man. He is so considerate of those who judge him; instead of getting angry, he simply respects their feelings and forgives them. He comes home for Christmas year after year alone; never bringing the man that he shares his life with. Not because he wouldn’t be accepted in our home, but because my son is more concerned that his elderly grandfather will feel uncomfortable than he is with his own desire to share the holiday with his partner.

For me, the PRIDE grows even bigger when I see the man he has become. A compassionate, kind, strong, ethical human being and such a blessing to know. I am so proud to the be the mom of a gay son. God honored me personally because He knew that I would not only love this child that He created, but that I would stand for him, fight for him, protect him, and honor him with absolutely every fiber of my being.

I Will Celebrate
So, yes, I celebrate PRIDE Month. I celebrate it with more PRIDE than I ever knew I could feel. I celebrate not just for the PRIDE I have in my own amazing son, but for the PRIDE I feel for the entire LGBTQ community. These wonderful people who have been unfairly judged discriminated against, hurt, exiled from their families in many cases, and abused in others. A tribe that remains authentic to their souls and they stand strong. I feel PRIDE that my son opened my eyes to a world where I would notice things I might otherwise have missed.

For me, (and many other moms like me) PRIDE Month is a sacred time that honors a blessed journey that we, the moms, are privileged to travel.

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Cynthia Corsetti is a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms who also blogs at CynthiaCorsetti.com

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,800 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #30 – JoAnn Forsberg

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ kids.

 

1984. After hanging up the phone, I went and turned on the shower. Standing in there crying, head upon the wall. Thinking everything I knew for years in fundamental Christianity was washing down the drain with my tears.

It wasn’t my son, yet. It was my brother who had just came out to me as gay. Gay in an era when people still whispered in church pews about anyone who even remotely seemed different than the picture perfect post card we all joked about. You know, the postcard with the picture of a white (straight) American Christian.

At that moment everything I knew about Christian life was now over. For if God was going to hate my brother, he would have to hate me too. The search began as I tried to imagine how a loving God could reject any child of his?

Of course, the normal happened. I was asked to shut up or leave church. So I left. I started studying every theology book I could find. It was a tough study, but, I was no longer going to rely upon a preacher to teach me. I wanted to know what great minds of history had to say.

No internet yet, just a soul seeking knowing in my spirit that God had to be more vast than the minds teaching Christ.

In 1989, my third son, Chad, was born, by the time he was five, we realized this creative child was unique himself. So, when he “came out” at fifteen it was more a celebration of him being able to feel comfortable with himself. To be comfortable in his family. To be fully loved and embraced.

Today, in this family, we joke about half of our extended relatives being gay. Some are “adopted in” as we will wrap our arms around any who need a family.

It’s normal, it’s just real life, it’s just family. We don’t even think about who is gay or who is straight. We are just family.

Blessings. JoAnn

That’s A Really Good Question #2 – What do all the letters mean and which acronym should I use?

Tags

acronym, Good Question, Inclusion, LGBT, LGBTQ, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, questions, Really Good Question, Serendipitydodah for Moms

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. This series will address common questions that often get asked by members of the group. For more information about the group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

There are some common questions that we hear over and over from moms of lgbtq kids and one of those questions goes like this:

What do all the letters mean in the longer lgbt acronyms and which acronym should I use?

To answer the first part of the question here are some of the longer acronyms and what they represent:

LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA –  Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Curious, Asexual, Pansexual, Gender-non-conforming, Gender-Fluid, Non-binary, and Androgynous

LGGBDTTTIQQAAPP – stands for: Lesbian, Gay, Genderqueer, Bisexual, Demisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Twospirit, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, Asexual, Allies, Pansexual and Polyamorous

LGBTQQIP2SAA – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Pansexual, Two-Spirit, Asexual, Allies

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Which acronym should you use?

That’s a harder question to answer.

There isn’t one acronym that has been designated as “the best,” but, I do think it is important for us to strive to be inclusive.

One way to be inclusive is to add more letters to the lgbt acronym but that isn’t the only way.

Presently I’m using LGBTQ and plan to use it until something shorter or something that rolls more easily off of the tongue takes over. Queer is becoming widely known as an umbrella term that includes all sexual orientations and gender identities, therefore, the LGBTQ acronym is typically seen as inclusive

BUT, I still feel like there is something better on the horizon.

Here are some examples of some of ideas that are circulating:

MOGAI – Marginalized Orientations, Gender identities, And Intersex

GSD – gender and sexual diversity

GSM – gender and sexual minorities

Many think that either GSD or GSM will end up being the primary acronym to replace the longer acronyms, if for no other reason than it is becoming increasingly difficult to say the longer acronym out loud when you are speaking on the subject.

But, there are others who think we should give up all the letters and just go with the word “Queer”

Those who are advocating for “Queer” point out that the word is inclusive of everyone in the lgbt community and doesn’t highlight just a few. They think as the community continues to strive to recognize and validate ALL genders and orientations we desperately need a word that reflects the community’s diverse membership.

I actually like the the idea of using “Queer” instead of acronyms and the only reason I am still avoiding it is because I have several LGBTQ friends over 40 who still cringe every time they hear the word.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,400 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

That’s A Really Good Question #1 – Should I tell my friend about my child’s lgbt status?

Tags

Advice, family, Good Question, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, questions, Really Good Question, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Support

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. This series will address common questions that often get asked by members of the group. For more information about the group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

There are some common questions that we hear over and over from moms of lgbtq kids and one of those questions goes like this:

Should I tell my friend that my son is gay? my daughter is lesbian? my child is transgender?

Like many questions, there may not be one answer that is right for everyone, but, there is some conventional wisdom that can be very helpful as parents think through their own unique situations.

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Because we live in a world where lgbtq people are still oppressed and marginalized, because we live in a world where lgbtq people are often bullied, because we live in a world where lgbtq people are known to be treated like second class citizens, because we live in a world where lgbtq people still receive the message that they are broken and need to be fixed due to their lgbtq status, because we live in a world where lgbtq people still don’t have equal rights and protections, parents need to be extra thoughtful, considerate and careful about who they talk to about their child’s lgbtq status until their children (no matter the age) are completely out.

My advice is:

Always check with your child if they are not completely out before sharing their lgbtq status with someone.

If a child is too young to be able to consider all the factors parents will have to make the decision independently of their children.

The younger the child the more careful parents may want to be about revealing their child’s lgbtq status to others.

When your child is not completely out it is important to consider how well you know the people you want to confide in and how trustworthy you believe them to be.

Once your child is an adult and completely out you can decide for yourself who to tell.

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I often hear people say it’s not necessary to tell anyone because it is no one’s business but I don’t think that is the issue here. I think the issue is more complex than that.

Let me explain …

I have two kids – one straight and one gay. Over the years I have talked to other moms about who my straight son dated – something in a relationship that hurt him – who he had a crush on – who had a crush on him – who he wanted to go to prom with and other similar things. These were his business but they were things that were going on with my son at the time – they were things on my mind and on my heart because my son was on my mind and on my heart – sometimes I talked to other moms about these things because I was concerned and wanted to know how to best support my son, sometimes I talked to other moms because I was excited for my son, sometimes I talked about something because I thought it was cute and moms often share cute little things about their kids with one another. I’m pretty sure if I had asked my straight son if I could talk about any of these things with other moms he would have probably said no.

There are also other “personal and private” things parents talk to other parents about for regularly – a medical issue, a behavior issue, a problem with a friend, a problem at school – things our kids wouldn’t have want us to share with anyone else. We don’t talk about such things to violate their privacy – but because we are seeking wisdom, insight, support, and/or encouragement.

My point is that we often talk to other moms about confidential and private things about our kids. It is a normal part of parenting – probably even more normal for mothers than dads because women often tend to process verbally and it helps them to talk about stuff they care about and are dealing with – it helps moms be better moms to share their situations with one another and learn with one another and from one another – it helps moms be stronger and steadier, and more loving, kind and patient when they can get some things off of their chest and say them out loud to another mom … because motherhood is a significant bond that mothers share and it really does take a village to raise a child.

It’s hard to be a good, smart, capable mom without depending on other moms, without having the freedom to share with and talk to other moms about things on our minds about our kids. And trying to keep our kid’s sexual orientation a secret can limit us when it comes to having these normal interactions and those limitations can make being a mom a LOT more challenging and even limit our knowledge, wisdom and effectiveness when it comes to being a mom.

So, I see being able to talk about my gay son with the same amount of freedom that I talk about my straight son as progress.

Sometimes I hear people say they look forward to the day when they don’t need to tell anyone their kid is lgbtq – but I don’t see that as progress.

Instead, I look forward to the day when all of us can openly speak of our child’s lgbtq status and not have to worry about it. I look forward to it being as normal to say “my son is gay” as it is to say “my son is left handed” or “my son has blue eyes” or “my son is an introvert”

When I hear people say “being gay doesn’t define my child” or “my child is more than his sexual orientation or gender identity” or “I don’t have to tell anyone my straight kid is straight so why should I have to tell them my gay son is gay” I hear defensive remarks that are a response to the kind of world we live in. Those remarks remind me that I look forward to the day when we don’t have to say anything like that or think anything like that.

After all, the only reason we don’t have to tell anyone our straight kid is straight is because we live in a world where being straight has been the default. We don’t have to tell anyone our straight kid is straight because we have been living in a world where anything other than straight has been erased, pushed to the margins, kept hidden. If nothing is said people assume that someone is straight and that can feel like erasure and disregard to lgbtq people.

Of course, people are more than their sexual orientation or gender identity, and, of course, there are many things that define us as human beings. But, our sexual orientation and gender identity are important elements of who we are. They are elements of ourselves that can impact our opinions and perspectives, how we engage with the world around us, what we are interested in, our comfort zones. Our sexual orientation and gender identity exist in the core of who we are. I would argue they are more important than many other things that we readily admit define us. I would argue that our sexual orientation and gender identity are among the few things that are central to who we are.

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This is the time of year when lgbtq people and those who stand with them and support them are preparing to participate in Pride parades and celebrations.

Pride parades and celebrations are a response to a world that wants to erase the existence of lgbtq people, a world that wants lgbtq people to keep quiet about their lgbtq status, a world that wants lgbtq people to hide their status, a world that wants to diminish the significance of being lgbtq.

It’s very common for conservative Christians who support conversion therapy to tell lgbt people that they should not think of themselves as “being gay” – they often use phrases such as “attracted to someone of the same sex” or “struggling with same sex attraction”

That way of thinking and speaking is rooted in shame. The idea that people should not identify as lgbtq or make it a main part of their identity are ideas that have grown out of anti-lgbtq belief systems. They are ideas that cause lgbtq people to feel shame and self loathing regarding their lgbtq status.

Pride parades are a protest against those kinds of ideas.

Pride parades are lgbt people saying “I am gay, I am proud of it, it is a part of who I am, it is an important part of who I am, I am not going to be ashamed about it, it matters, I am not going to hide it, I am not going to apologize about it, I am going to declare it, I am going to say it out loud, I am going to own it, I am going to flaunt it, it is a big part of who I am.”

As beautiful as I think that is – to see lgbtq people let go and fully embrace their sexual orientation and gender identity with no apology, with no downplaying, with no shame – I look forward to the day when Pride parades are no longer necessary, I look forward when it will be normal for people to share they are lgbtq, when it will be normal for parents to share that their kid is lgbtq, but no longer necessary to have a parade about it, no longer necessary for us to be careful about who we tell …

But, for now we DO live in a world where Pride parades are necessary.

For now, we DO live in a world where we have to worry about people’s reactions towards our lgbt children.

There is still a lot of work to do and the work that needs to be done will surely not be completed in our lifetime.

So – we have to be careful and thoughtful – especially if our kid is not completely out.

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Moms share confidential things and stuff that is no one else’s business all the time when they are close with each other – it is normal and good and helpful.

But, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people are still oppressed and marginalized, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people are often bullied, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people are often treated like second class citizens, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people still receive the message that they are broken and need to be fixed, we have to be extra thoughtful, considerate and careful about who we talk to about our kids lgbtq status until they are completely out.

Not because it isn’t anyone’s business – but because we still live in a world where it isn’t always safe to be lgbtq.

#Question #GoodQuestion

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is secret so that only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,400 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

 

When we know better, we do better.

Tags

Learning and Growing, love, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, parents, relationships, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, together

Moms of lgbtq kids sometimes make mistakes when their kids first come out – sometimes they aren’t as strong as they need to be – sometimes they let their feelings lead them to say the wrong thing at the wrong time – sometimes they hurt their kids even while loving them more than their kids can imagine … my advice to moms of lgbtq kids when their kids come out include these three things:

(1) Be intentional about letting your kid know you love and support them unconditionally, that you are going to be with them on their journey and do your best to make sure they have the resources they need to be healthy and whole. Ask them questions and listen to their story – learn from them – learn what they need from you. Don’t share your feelings of fear or grief with your child no matter what age they are. They have enough on their plate and you don’t want them to feel like they have caused you pain. Your grief could make them feel guilty or ashamed.

(2) Find people, either in real life or online, that will understand and support you where you are at and at the same time empower you to move forward on the journey so that you are strong for your kid. PFLAG, affirming churches, affirming friends and family members, online groups like my private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids are all places to seek that kind of support. (contact me if you want more info about the facebook group)

(3) Educate yourself as much as possible because a lot of a parent’s feelings in the beginning are about the loss of what they perceived as a relatively safe and predictable future. A lot of the emotions are connected to fear and concerns about the unknown. Being well informed can bring a lot of peace and confidence and help parents move forward and be supportive in the way their kid needs them to be.When you know better you can do better.

I try to meet moms where they are and help them become better. Any mother that is open to learning and growing is welcome in my facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. I believe we are better together. I believe we can learn from each other and with each other and become stronger and more loving and more understanding of ourselves, each other and our kids.

Our motto in my group is “better together” and I believe we are better together.

And I always say “when we know better, we do better”

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,500 members. Each day moms of LGBTQ kids gather virtually to share a journey that is unique and often very difficult. The group is a place where they share a lot of information, ask questions, support one another, learn a lot and brag on their kids. Their official motto is “We Are Better Together” and their nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is secret so only members can find it or see what is posted in the group. The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. However, moms do not have to be Christian to be a member of the group. In addition to providing a space for members to share info and support one another, a special guest is added each month for a short time so members can ask questions in the privacy of the group. The guests include authors, pastors, LGBTQ people, bloggers, medical professionals and public speakers.

Serendipitydodah for Moms also has three subgroups:

Serendipitydodah MTK is for trans specific conversation and is mostly made up of moms of trans kids. All the members of Serendipitydodah MTK are in the larger group also.

Serendipitydodah Mama Bears to the Rescue is a subgroup for Serendipitydodah Mama Bears who are willing and able to be available to do small acts of kindness for LGBTQ people in their local community who may need connection, care or assistance. This subgroup makes it easier for members to coordinate and organize to do things such as visit someone in the hospital, help someone get settled in a new area, provide some transportation, include someone in their holiday gatherings, provide temporary housing, send a note of encouragement, attend a wedding etc

Serendipitydodah Blue Ocean Faith is for members of Serendipitydodah for Moms who want to connect with and become a part of the Blue Ocean Faith Ann Arbor community via its online presence. Blue Ocean Faith is a faith community that fully includes, affirms and supports lgbtq people and those that support them. Ken Wilson and Emily Swan are the pastors of Blue Ocean Faith.

Email lizdyer55@gmail.com to join or for more info.