MAMA BEAR STORY PROJECT #49 – Reesie Parnell Laster

Tags

family, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, lgbtq youth, love, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Parenting, parents

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears

 

 

I don’t know all there is to know about the LGBTQ community and I don’t know all there is to know about God. What I try hard to do is lead with my heart and keep an open mind and learn as I go. No amount of research can ever compare to communication between people that have something to say. We can bicker back and forth about what our version of right and wrong is but at the end of the day that gets us nowhere. We have to learn to listen to understand and not listen to respond. When Cody came out to me I didn’t listen and why would I? He had been my son for 22 years and even though I thought I listened to him, I never really did. He tried when he was 14 to tell me how he felt different. He tried to tell me he was gay but I wasn’t ready to hear that from him. I dismissed that my son needed me to hear him and instead I pulled out my best of Dr. Phil and told him he had no idea at his age who he was. His hormones were all over the place and he was confused. Even though deep down I knew what he was saying was true. I wanted him to not be gay. I wanted him to forget who he really was and be what was comfortable for me to deal with, not what was best for him. I was wrong. I know that now but back then, I was scared and uneducated on what gay meant and was doing what I thought was best for him. I wish I would have known better. I wish I knew what I didn’t know.

Since Cody came out I have taken the time and effort to learn. I did the research and I listened to my son. I asked him the hard questions and I got to know the Cody that I never really knew. I found my son. Not the person that for all the years he was pretending to be but the person he was meant to be. The way God made him. It took time, conversions, and most of all love to get there. I had to question everything I had been taught my whole life. I had to do the work and not shy away when it got hard. I had to decide that my love for my son was the most important thing to me and that I would find a way to educate myself on who he is and what that means. It has been a journey of acceptance, knowledge and growth. A journey I am very proud to say I am still traveling.

In the weeks that followed the day Cody told me he was gay was brutal. I had to tell the ones close to me. The conservative, religious family that I knew would not understand. I had to talk to all of them about something that I didn’t understand myself. I needed reassurance that they would understand and support us and still love Cody and help me protect him from people that would attack him with hurtful words and maybe even violence. I needed support and when the support didn’t come, my mama claws came out. I went after anyone that said or did anything that was hurting him. The post, the talk, and anything that made him feel less than or unloved. Yes that meant even God. I studied the Bible like I had never studied before. I read all the verses that said homosexuality was a sin. I pulled everything I could from scholars and preachers and I talked to anyone that would listen. I needed proof that his soul was going to be ok. I needed to know that being gay wasn’t a mortal sin and that my son had hope. I needed to find a way to fight for him. I was alone in all of this. I couldn’t sleep or function. I had family and friends dropping off left and right. I was in a place I didn’t recognize any longer and I felt alone for the first time in my life and that is right where I needed to be.

It was nearing the end of the year. The holiday was not going good and I was realizing that all my hurt was taking its toll on me. I was in my house by myself cleaning up after Christmas and I broke. I hit my knees in my living room and begged God to help me. I needed peace. I needed the hurt of loss to go away. I needed answers. With my prayers and in my tears I found the answers that I had been so desperately seeking. On my knees, feeling broken, I heard a voice in my head say… Just love him. What? Say that again. It can’t be that simple. All I have done and researched and all the pain of not knowing what to do, the answer was there all the time? Just love him. Do your job. You have done the work. You have made your mistakes. You are struggling for nothing. The answer, as his mother, is to love him. Something I had never stopped doing. When I picked myself up off that floor, I was a different person. I stopped fighting myself and I realized that God gave the answers I needed long before Cody told his truth. Long before I ever heard those words… “Mom, I’m gay” … I had known what to do. Just love him.

The years have passed since that night on my knees. I still made and still make my share of mistakes and I am still learning. I went to my first pride in 2019. I wore a shirt that said “Free Mom hugs” and held a sign that let the community know I am here for you and I love you. I gave those hugs freely without judgment or question. I was a part of something bigger than my little world and I was humbled by every hug and every smile. I saw how important it is to show love and kindness everywhere I go and in everything I say or do. I realized that people need to be heard and loved. It doesn’t matter how you believe or what your version of right looks like. It doesn’t matter who you love, it matters how you love. God commands us to love each other. He doesn’t care that we are flawed in the eyes of others. We are human and he knew we would make mistakes. He knew that we would struggle. He knew we would need each other to get through those hard times. God knew us before we were born. We are wonderfully made and meant to be loved. He loved me enough to give me my beautiful boys and he trusted me to take care of them. I made God a promise that night on my knees that I would do exactly what he said, I would love Cody. I would do my job as his mother and I would spread that love to anyone that needed it. I will continue to educate, be kind, pray, love and fight for my son’s rights to be heard. To live his truth and to be who he was always meant to be.

Someone needs to hear your story. Someone needs something you have been through. Someone needs to know they are not alone.

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Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 8,000 members. For more info about the Mama Bears visit our website at realmamabears.org 

That’s a really good question #6 – How do I start a GSA?

Tags

bullying, clubs, Gender, glsen, GSA, School, sexual orientation, students, Support, Youth

Serendipitydodah – Home of the Mama Bears is one of the Mama Bears private Facebook groups for moms of LGBTQ kids. This series addresses common questions that often get asked by members of the group. Mama Bears is a whole network of groups, projects, resources and websites dedicated to supporting, educating and empowering moms of LGBTQ kids and the LGBTQ community.

GSA clubs are powerful tools that can transform schools and make them safer and more welcoming for LGBTQ youth, youth with LGBTQ parents, and straight allies. Moms of LGBTQ kids often ask how to start a GSA at their LGBTQ kid’s local middle or high school because research has shown that LGBTQ students hear fewer homophobic slurs, experience less harassment, have better attendance, and feel safer at schools that have GSAs.

The first thing to note is that GSAs or Genders & Sexualities Alliances (formally known as Gay Straight Alliances), are student-led and student-organized school clubs that aim to create a safe, welcoming, and accepting school environment for all youth, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Typically only students can start GSAs.

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The three typical functions of a GSA is to support students, build community and create change.

GSAs function as a support group and provide safety and confidentiality to students who are LGBTQ as well as those who are experiencing harassment at school because of their actual or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity or expression. These groups often provide one of the few safe spaces for students to express themselves.

GSAs are also social groups. They provide a sense of community and a space for LGBTQ and allied youth to build a social network where their identities are respected. Lots of GSAs organize barbecues or movie nights, organize field trips to a local LGBTQ prom or Pride parade, and attend conferences together. GSAs are a great way to build community at your school and lessen the isolation that LGBTQ+ students might otherwise experience.

In addition to providing support and community GSAs often effect change by allowing LGBTQ and straight students to work together to take on issues that affect all students, including harassment and discrimination based on sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. 

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Starting a Gay/Straight Alliance

Here are the basic steps a student should take to start a GSA at their school. Chances are they’ll be able to start a GSA with no problems – after all, over 4,000 GSAs already exist in every state in the nation. Sometimes, though, administrators, parents, or other students try to stand in the way of GSAs. In case that happens we’re including information on how to handle opposition.

1. Be able to explain why you want to start a GSA. Some of the people you have to talk to along the way may ask you why you want to start a GSA. That’s not a bad question to ask yourself. Under the law, you don’t have to have a reason to start any non-curricular club. But it’s important to be able to explain your reasons for wanting a GSA. Is anti-gay harassment a problem at your school? Do LGBTQ+ students or allies want a safe, supportive space where they can be themselves? Those are both really good reasons to start a GSA.

2. Follow guidelines for setting up a club. Starting a GSA is just like starting any other school club. Get a copy of your student handbook, and look up your school’s requirements for student organizations so that you can be sure to follow the rules carefully. If it’s not in the student handbook, ask an administrator, guidance counselor, or the faculty sponsor of an existing club what steps are required to start a club. You most likely will need to find a faculty member to sponsor the club or write a constitution or mission statement. Be sure to do everything you’re supposed to do according to the school’s rules.

3. Find a sponsor. Most schools require that clubs have a faculty member as a sponsor. However, even if your school doesn’t require one, it’s not a bad idea to have one. Ask a teacher, counselor or librarian who has shown themselves to be supportive of LGBTQ+ students to be the advisor or sponsor for your GSA. A sponsor can help with things like writing a constitution and explaining why you want to start a GSA to others. Keep in mind that if your school isn’t very friendly to the idea of a GSA, some teachers who want to help may be more comfortable doing so in a more behind-the-scenes way.

4. Talk to your school principal or assistant principal and let them know that you plan to start a GSA. A supportive administrator can really help you move things along, and if they are not supportive, then at least you’ll know where you stand, which will help you figure out what to do next. If the principal or assistant principal says a GSA won’t be allowed, ask why so that you can prepare yourself to address their concerns. Be prepared to say that preventing a GSA from forming is against the law under the federal Equal Access Act if other non curricular clubs have been allowed. Be respectful and don’t get into a big fight about it in your initial meeting, but make notes of the reasons given for denial. You can take the time to respond to their arguments at a later date. See “Common Arguments Against GSAs and Why They’re Wrong” listed below if you are told you cannot start a GSA at your school.

5. Write a goal for your GSA. With the help of your sponsor, write a mission statement outlining what your GSA will and will not be. This can make it clear whether the GSA will be a club that will only be a safe space, or whether the club might get involved in activist events. Make sure to include that the GSA is all inclusive and non-discriminatory. Be sure to mention that it is for the purposes of peer education and support. Outline the type of activities you hope to have, as well as the reason a GSA will be an asset to the school and community as a whole.

6. Inform guidance counselors and social workers about the group. These individuals may know students who would be interested in joining.

7. Pick a meeting place. You may want to find a meeting place that offers some level of privacy or confidentiality. A high-profile meeting place may discourage reluctant participants.

8. Advertise. Figure out the best way to advertise at your school. It may be a combination of school bulletin announcements, fliers and word of mouth. If your fliers are defaced or torn down, don’t be discouraged! Keep putting them back up. Posting fliers with words like “end homophobia” or “discuss sexual orientation” can help raise awareness and can make other students feel safer even if they never attend a single meeting.

9. Get food. It really does help to get people to come to your meetings. People are more inclined to come to meetings when you provide food.

10. Hold your meeting. You may want to start out with a discussion about why people think the group is important. You can also brainstorm things your club would like to do.

11. Establish ground rules. Many groups create ground rules to ensure that group discussions are safe, confidential and respectful. Many groups adopt a rule that no assumptions or labels are used about a group member’s sexual orientation. This can help make straight allies feel comfortable about attending the club.

12. Plan for the future and register your club with the GSA network in your state. Develop an action plan. Brainstorm activities. Set goals for what you want to accomplish. Contact GLSEN or the GSA Network (for students in California) to connect with other GSAs in your state and learn about ways to get involved.

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Common Arguments Against GSAs and Why They’re Wrong

“We can’t let our students have a club that’s about sex.”

GSAs are NOT about sex. GSAs are about valuing all people regardless of whether they’re gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, or questioning. Like any other club GSAs offer students with a common interest a chance to connect and give students a respite from the day-to-day grind of school. They’re about creating a supportive space where students can be themselves without fear and making schools safer for all students by promoting respect for everyone. A GSA meeting is no more about sex than the homecoming dance or any other school-sponsored activity. And several federal courts have ruled in favor of GSAs when schools have used this as an excuse to try to stop them from forming.

“We can’t let outsiders come in and start this kind of club in our school.”

Outsiders don’t form GSAs. GSAs are started and led by students. While there are a couple of organizations that have tried to create contact lists or loose coalitions of the over 4,000 GSA clubs across the country, GSAs aren’t chapters of some larger organization. There is no big conspiracy out there trying to get its hands on the youth of America. And according to the federal Equal Access Act, students can start any kind of non-curricular club at their schools that they want.

“It’s just too controversial.”

Sure, a GSA may be controversial, but it’s illegal for schools to use that as excuse to silence them. If other students, parents, or community members are in an uproar over a GSA, the school’s responsibility is to address those people’s concerns, not shut down a group that is peacefully doing its thing just because some people don’t like it. Besides, when a GSA becomes a point of contention in a community, it really only proves the need for the GSA to exist in the first place. And again, several federal courts have ruled in favor of GSAs when schools have used this as an excuse to try to stop them from forming.

“If we let students start a GSA, then we’d have to let students form any other kind of club they want. What if they wanted to start a KKK club?”

If a club’s purpose is to harass or intimidate other students, then the club is disruptive to the educational process and the school can stop it from forming, so this kind of argument doesn’t work. Letting students start a GSA doesn’t mean all sorts of other crazy clubs are going to materialize out of thin air.

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Ideas To Find New Members

Advertise your group, meetings, and activities! This can be through posters, word-of mouth and social media. Set up a table during lunch or at a club fair to share information about your group. Write an editorial or letter to the editor in your school newspaper and share it with those who make the daily school announcements too.

Bring-A-Friend Day. Every member brings one friend to a meeting.

Invite a guest speaker. Invite someone from a community group (Time Out Youth, PFLAG, ACLU, etc.), a local activist, or someone who does work in a related area.

Club Share. Build coalitions with other student clubs at your school by attending their meetings and partnering on future projects/activities.

Movies! Screen a movie with an LGBTQ theme.

Provide snacks. Everyone loves free food! It is a great way to get more people to your meetings.

Special Events! Plan special events. Have a Halloween themed event, a spirit day or a thanksgiving potluck. Once your club is going ask your members for ideas for fun themes.

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GLSEN, ACLU and Time Out Youth were resources used for this post.

Mama Bear Holiday Hugs 2019

Tags

affirmation, affirming, allies, cards, encouragement, Holidays, Hugs, LGBT, LGBTQ, love, Mama Bears, messages, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, parents, Serendipitydodah, Support

 

Registration for the second annual MAMA BEAR HOLIDAY HUGS is open and will remain open until 12/15/2019.

MAMA BEAR HOLIDAY HUGS is hosted by MAMA BEARS, an organization dedicated to supporting, educating and empowering moms of LGBTQ kids and the LGBTQ community.

The Holiday Season can be an especially lonely and stressful time for many LGBTQ people who have lost support due to their LGBTQ status. Members of MAMA BEARS are available to send Holiday messages of love, hope and affirmation to LGBTQ people during the Holiday Season.

LGBTQ people, or those who love and support them, can fill out a form to put in a request for a MAMA BEAR HOLIDAY HUGS message of love, hope and affirmation.

Information submitted will be shared with members of Mama Bears private Facebook group.

This project is limited to the United States.

If you have questions you can email mamabearholidayhugs@gmail.com

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Click HERE for the request form

Here is a QR Code for the request form:

PRAYERS FOR THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, THEIR FAMILIES AND ALLIES

Tags

affirming, allies, Christian, LGBT, LGBTQ, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Prayer, Serendipitydodah for Moms

“Prayer is an art which only the Holy Spirit can teach us…Pray for prayer – pray till you can pray, pray to be helped to pray and give not up praying because you cannot pray, for it is when you think you cannot pray that you are most praying.”  – C.H. Spurgeon 

My son came out in 2006 and, as a result, I went through a process of deconstructing my faith – re-examining what I believed and why.

One of the things that came up a lot in that process of deconstruction was “prayer”  – it caused me to have a lot of questions about prayer … did it really work? how did it work? how should I pray? could I still “believe” in prayer?

It was a difficult time for me and I went though a period where it was almost impossible for me to pray because I was no longer sure what I believed about prayer.

But, eventually I got to a place where I found peace about prayer. I didn’t necessarily find answers to my questions, but I came to the conclusion that giving up prayer was not an option for me. I came to the conclusion that I was wanted to embrace the mystery of prayer and believe in prayer because I choose to be a serious and faithful follower of Jesus and Jesus prayed and encouraged us to pray the same way he prayed.

I admit that some days my prayers are accompanied with only a mustard seed of faith but I pray anyway; and sometimes I find it very hard to pray or don’t know how to pray, but I pray anyway, even if it is just to pray about my inability to pray.

In 2009, with the help of some other Christians who were on a journey similar to my own, I started putting together a list of prayers on behalf of LGBTQ people, their families and their allies. Some of the prayers were things I simply needed to pray for myself as a Christian mother of a gay son and as an LGBTQ ally. Some of the prayers were born out of conversations I had with people, news reports I read, stories told to me and things that were being revealed to me. Over the years I have changed some of the prayers and added others.

Here is my present list:

·         Prayer for the LGBTQ community, their Families and LGBTQ Allies in general; that God will protect them and bless them, that the Holy Spirit will inspire them, inform them and guide them. 

·         Prayer for LGBTQ Christians and Christians who love and support them will be able to reconcile their faith with being affirming. 

·         Prayer that LGBTQ people would be able to live wholeheartedly into the people they were created to be. 

·         Prayer that LGBTQ people will be able to make connections with affirming Christians and find affirming faith communities. 

·         Prayer for all Christian leaders, faith communities and denominations who are working through LGBTQ issues. Prayer that God will give them insight, wisdom, clear understanding and guide them towards truth,  justice, love and light.

·         Prayer that LGBTQ people, their families and allies who have been hurt by the church or by individual Christians will still be able to receive God’s love and affirmation – that they will be able to know that those people and those churches are not God and do not represent how God sees them. 

·         Prayer that LGBTQ people and those who support them will not harbor bitterness or resentment; that they will find healing and wholeness, and as a result, be able to forgive those who trespass against them. 

·         Prayer for people in long-term same-sex relationships to find lasting stability despite the lack of role models for LGBTQ couples. Prayer for God to lift up role models for same sex couples to help them form healthy and lasting relationships. Prayer of gratitude for the progress being made for same sex marriage across the world. 

·         Prayer for everyone living with HIV/AIDS. Prayer that God will comfort them and give them access to the healthcare they need. Prayer of gratitude thanking God for the medical progress made for the treatment of HIV/AIDS and prayer for continued progress. 

·         Prayer for LGBTQ youth who are experiencing bullying to know that God loves them no matter what and that they can always turn to him. Prayer for teachers, school administrators, community leaders, parents, neighbors, church leaders, youth leaders etc to see any bullying that occurs, to stand up against it, put programs in place to help create safe environments for LGBTQ youth and make it known that they are a safe person for LGBTQ youth to turn to.

 ·         Prayer that God will work in families torn apart by homophobia and that the spirit of God would lead those families to understanding, grace, forgiveness and reconciliation.

 ·         Prayer for LGBTQ people, young and old, who have been misunderstood, silenced, rejected and/or marginalized by friends and family members directly and indirectly. Prayer that they would find the support and encouragement they need to help them withstand the pain of being misunderstood, silenced, rejected and/or marginalized by their family and friends. 

 ·         Prayer that religious leaders will recognize the problem of homophobia in the church, courageously confront it and work to rid the church of homophobia. 

·         Prayer for all ex-gay ministries and conversion therapy in all forms to end. 

·         Prayer that all countries with anti LGBTQ laws to be moved by the Holy Spirit towards love and justice.

 ·         Prayer against all homophobic and transphobic violence. Prayers for all who are victims of homophobic and transphobic violence.

·         Prayer for courage, wholeness, integrity, understanding, peace, humility, love, freedom, vision, transformation.  

What prayer would you add?

That’s A Really Good Question #5 – Can I just use someone’s name instead of trying to use “they/them” pronouns?

Tags

education, gender non-conforming, intersex, language, LGBT, LGBTQ, non-binary, Pronouns, question, Really Good Question, transgender

Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. This series will address common questions that often get asked by members of the group. For more information about the group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Someone recently mentioned to me that they were very uncomfortable using “they/them” pronouns for someone because there were sentences where it sounded weird to them. They asked if I thought it would be offensive to use the person’s name instead of using “they/them” in place of “he/him” or “she/her”

My response was that it is always okay to substitute someone’s name for pronouns. However, I warned them, if they consistently try to avoid using someone’s personal pronouns it is more likely they would end up making more mistakes. It is extremely difficult and awkward to avoid using pronouns and, therefore, fairly obvious when someone is trying to avoid doing so. That obvious avoidance can in itself be offensive to someone who has shared their personal pronouns.

For example:

Instead of saying:

“They are coming by for dinner. They asked to bring the salad. This is so them.”

You would have to say:

“Billy is coming by for dinner and asked if Billy could bring the salad. This is so Billy.”

More than likely you would probably end up saying:

“Billy is coming by for dinner and asked if he could bring the salad. This is so Billy.”

And that would mean that you used the wrong pronoun which would be offensive.

Therefore, my advice is: if one really wants to honor and respect a person they should use their correct personal pronouns.

If you make a mistake you can simply apologize and correct yourself. (i.e. “oops, I meant to say them”) and go on.

Here’s some more thoughts about personal pronouns:

In English, whether we realize it or not, people frequently refer to others by using pronouns.

Often, people make assumptions about the gender of another person based on the person’s appearance or name, but those assumptions are not always correct.

If someone shares their pronouns with you, it’s meant to disrupt the idea of making assumptions, and to provide you with the information you need in order to refer to them appropriately.

Using someone’s correct personal pronouns is a way to respect them and create an inclusive environment, just as using a person’s name can be a way to respect them.

Just as it can be offensive to call someone by the wrong name, it can be offensive to use the wrong pronouns for someone.

Actively refusing to use the pronouns someone has stated that they go by could imply the oppressive and offensive notion that intersex, transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people do not or should not exist.

It is worth noting that a person who goes by “they” could actually be a man, a woman, both, neither, or something else entirely. However, people’s genders tend to be a private issue, therefore, the sharing of pronouns should not be taken as an invitation to ask for potentially private information about someone’s gender.

What about grammar?

There is nothing grammatically wrong with using “they” as a singular pronoun. In English, we already use singular “they” all the time when the gender of a person is unknown. Say you see some money on the ground and pick it up. You might say: “Oh, someone dropped their money here. I’ll set it aside for them, I bet they are looking everywhere!”

Using “he or she” and “his or hers” in this situation is awkward, so we use singular “they” instead.

When someone uses “they/them” pronouns, all you have to do is apply that same sentence construction:

“Oh, Desmond dropped their money here. I’ll set it aside for them, I bet they are looking everywhere!”

Major dictionaries have recognized singular “they” as grammatically correct for years. The word “they” has been used as a singular pronoun since at least the 16th century, and some argue it goes back even earlier. The AP Style Guide also allows the usage of singular “they” in cases where a subject doesn’t identify as male or female.

There are certainly ways to avoid using singular “they” and some people are still insistent on doing so. However, in the end it takes a lot more linguistic gymnastics to not use pronouns and that makes it much more likely that offensive mistakes will be made more often.

So, next time you are faced with using “they” in the singular, you don’t have to worry about proper grammar, because singular “they” is grammatically correct.

Last but certainly not least … Why is it important to get pronouns right?

Using the pronouns that someone has shared with you affirms the identity of the person. It can be a difficult step for someone to find it in themselves to acknowledge their identity.  More than likely they’ve had to find the courage to share the fact that they don’t fit into the binary world and that can be very difficult because as a whole the world is not supportive of intersex, transgender, non-binary and gender non-conforming people.

When you get an intersex, transgender, non-binary or gender non-conforming person’s  pronouns right you bring much needed relief to their emotional and psychological well being. The simple act of using the correct pronouns may give them the courage to keep moving forward and living their life as their most authentic self.

Recent studies have even shown that correct pronoun usage can dramatically decrease the depression and suicidal tendencies that are so prevalent among LGBTQ youth.

Therefore, as I said earlier, if you really want to honor and respect a person use their correct personal pronouns. It is the kind, loving, respectful thing to do.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. Our official motto is “Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and as of July 2019 has more than 6,500 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

 

Mama Bear Story Project #48 – Bee Brody

Tags

LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, lgbtq youth, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

 

I stand at the bathroom counter brushing my teeth. Three of my four children are in bed and the oldest, a 15-year-old girl, is on her way home. Our house is locked, the windows drawn. I feel at peace, knowing that this day, I have successfully checked off all the religious to-dos; prayers have been said, scriptures read. My temple recommend is valid, my faith strong. While we are not perfect as a family, I feel God is cognizant of our efforts and pleased with our work.

I hear the front door unlock, footsteps on the stairs, and the bathroom door opens. My eldest daughter, the one we prayed to have, the one we were blessed with after a miscarriage and years of trying, stands, not looking at me, defiant and, I see now, scared.

“I’m bisexual and I don’t want to talk about it.”

My toothbrush stops moving. My child runs to her room. I hear the door close. I don’t drop to my knees. I don’t burst into tears or rail against God or wonder what I did wrong in my parenting to make her this way (all of that will come later, over agonizing years).

I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk about it. She’s been to every standards night, every chastity talk. She sat in class while teachers praised marriage between a man and a woman and she knows that I’m a full-self Mormon—I work with an eye single to God’s glory.

I rinse my mouth, wipe out the sink and search for my husband. We talk. Did we see this coming? Were there signs? Is this a phase, like the year she spent playing Pompeii with the neighbor kids? And, most telling about my lack of education: will she outgrow it? Does she just need to find a nice LDS boy who will appreciate her precocious and feisty nature?

Fast forward four years, and a Policy announcement, and thousands of tears later, and I can say with certainty that no, she will not outgrow it. It is not a phase, and all the nice LDS boys in the world will not make her less attracted to girls. Her understanding of her own sexual identity continues to change and we’re both beginning to suspect that being with a boy, for her, is the shadow of love, not the brightest expression of it. If she seeks to find oneness with her spouse, that fulfillment may not be possible in a heterosexual relationship.

She will also never graduate from Seminary because the test questions asked her to explain why homosexuality is a sin and so she quit going in order to protect her emotional health. She’ll never go on a mission because how can she preach about a God of love when she feels no love in His church? She will not attend meetings, where she has felt less-than, been told that her sexuality is disgusting, that God ranks sins and He puts hers at the top, right next to murder.

My beautiful daughter, who doesn’t kill spiders because everything deserves a life, is told that if she wants Life Eternal, she has to voluntarily endure this life without the companionship that she’s been taught are most central to our existence—that of spouse and children.

She believes in something, but she no longer believes in the god of the LDS faith. The lessons about the Proclamation outshouted those about love and sent her scurrying to find safety outside of orthodoxy. She’s been convinced by well-meaning but wrong leaders that if she can’t get in line with this one item in the Handbook, she isn’t welcome to participate in any of the others. A spouse and children are beyond her reach if she wants to take the Sacrament on Sunday.

So, she has to choose: a personal God who loves her fully, or the hollow appearance of godliness? A family in this life, or a life without this church? She did not ask for this dichotomy. It was forced on her, and at 15, when she innocently believed Priesthood leaders would have her back if she would just be honest with them, she was told she had to choose.

I am currently living tenuously within a religious structure that says we are all gods in embryo but rejects the nature God gave my child. And I feel that separation deeply. I feel violently hewn from the god of my youth because I no longer believe the Sunday School answers: pray, read your scriptures, go to church. We say that God loves you because you are His child but the message sent by the organization is different. The institution of our religion says that He loves you sometimes. He will make you perfect unless.

But I reject the qualifiers. God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. Full stop.

When people stand in Sacrament meeting and talk about how God has blessed them with children who were married in the temple, I repeat to myself that God’s blessings for my child are different but equally powerful. When a child is praised for going on a mission, I remind myself that my daughter is on a mission, no less divine, because she lives every day as an ambassador for love first and leaves the rest to Him.

I have learned to say to every child, and especially my own, “Yes, your nature is Divine, exactly as it is, because God made you and He is perfect. You are beautiful and you are beloved and you are enough because God looked at all that He made and said ‘it is good.’ You, my precious child, are exactly as He meant you to be and He will make this pain and this anger and this heartache right some day. And we will all, together, sit at His feet in joy.”

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,800 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #47 – Katie Barnes Burwell

Tags

Free Mom Hugs, Hugs, love, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, mamabears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Pride, Serendipitydodah, Story, Support

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

June is an exciting month for Serendipitydodah Mama Bears as they dress up and get together to go out to Pride events to offer hugs and high fives, and share words of encouragement, support and affirmation.

This is nothing new …  instead, it is a tradition that is being carried on.

Moms of LGBTQ kids have always showed up in support of Pride Protests and Parades.

Jeanne Manford, the founder of PFLAG, was among the first moms of LGBTQ Kids to March and show her support. In 1972 she marched alongside her son, Morty, in what would eventually become New York City’s gay pride march, and she continued to show up and march in many Pride Parades throughout her life. She even served as a Grand Marshal in 1991 and 1993.

Serendipitydodah Mama Bears are proud to continue the tradition that Mama Bear Jeanne Manford started. They love Pride and what it represents. They are honored and proud to show up, march and hand out hugs and high fives. They consider Pride to be an important element in helping to make the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for all lgbtq people to live.

Katie Barnes Burwell is one Serendipitydodah Mama Bear who went out to a Pride event this month …

I CAN’T SEE MY FEET!!! by Katie Barnes Burwell

I made this skirt as poooooofy as I could manage.

I was going for silly and approachable this year and IT WORKED!!

I got to give and get tons of hugs!!

This picture was me before heading out to Sacramento Pride for the Parade.

It was a good day!

Good and heartbreaking at the same time.

So many whispers in my ear mid hug, “thank you…my mom won’t hug me.”

I have a personal rule about hugging kids.

I don’t let go first.

I let them hang on as long as they need … my kids, my bonus kids, the kids at the festival, and a couple adults too.

It can be awkward, but, when my huggees realize I won’t let go till they do, it breaks the dam and the tears come.

It’s good work we Mama Bears do.

We are needed.

Happy Pride!

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,000 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #46 – Jennifer O’Rourke

Tags

Christian, church, LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

In 2017, I watched my daughter, Kat, sit on stage ready to be baptized. A woman who was standing next to her said in front of the whole audience, “One of my favorite things about you is the energy and the light that you have in you for the kids. You’re there every Sunday, worshipping and leading a small group. It is my honor to baptize you today.”

I was so proud of my daughter that day. She was 15 and passionately devoted to God and her church. I was glad to be in a church where the senior pastor, Andy Stanley, once preached that the “church should be the safest place on the planet for gay teens.” I couldn’t have expected then what would happen a year later.

Last June, my daughter showed up to church to lead worship in the elementary environment. The same woman, Christy, who had baptized her told her that morning that because she had come out as gay on Instagram, she could no longer serve in leadership, meaning she could no longer be a worship leader or lead her second-grade small group. She was, however, allowed to volunteer in other ways, such as handing out flyers and working in the parking team — just no leadership roles. Our daughter was crushed. Kat had felt called to work with children (she’s currently working towards a degree in pediatric oncology) and to sing, and she felt that the church had just taken her purpose away.

What followed was the worst three months of our lives as parents. She went from a happy-go-lucky girl to someone who had suicidal thoughts and needed to be watched over 24/7. She’s much better now, but it was devastating then for her to lose her sense of purpose and all of her friends. My husband, who volunteered as a technical director there, and I, who worked with 3 to 4-year-old kids in the church, lost our friend-groups as well.

The loss was doubly painful because we moved to Georgia because we had felt called to be in this church. We started attending Andy Stanley’s church in the late 1990’s. We spent a decade in his church before moving to Massachusetts for my husband’s work in 2009. We would drive for 20 hours down to Atlanta for Christmas and Easter services; we watched Stanley’s sermons online every week.

Five years ago, my husband was offered a choice to relocate to anywhere in the United States. We picked Georgia because of North Point Ministries. We attended Woodstock City Church, where Stanley’s sermons were beamed in every Sunday (NPM has six churches across Georgia). Our entire family’s lives revolved around our church, including Kat’s. Every Sunday, she would go to church to lead worship at the 9am service, lead a 2nd-grade small group at 11am, then worship at the 1:30pm adult service, and then finally attend the high school service at 4:30pm. She “hosts” a bible study in her car before school and writes an inspirational Christian blog.

I’d always been affirming of the LGBT-community. A few years ago, I heard Andy preach that the church should be the “safest place for gay youth.” These words were music to my ears. I had always wondered if my views lined up with my church on this topic and I finally felt I had clear confirmation that we were on the same page. I had also heard him preach a sermon incorporating a story about a gay couple who volunteered at his church. I never felt a need to ask further questions back then.

Before I knew my daughter was gay, my husband and I had already assured her and all our children that we would be a safe place for them if they did come out. We even offered to house any of their friends who might need a safe place to crash after coming out to their parents. So when she did come out to us in February 2018, it was a fairly nonchalant affair. She told her close friends and even her small group in church, and everyone was amazingly supportive.

Things changed in June 2018. Billboard Magazine was doing a series about celebrities who had come out, and Kat decided that she wanted to come out publicly on Facebook. She posted a beautiful “love letter” to the gay community and for the first time publicly declared that she is gay. It was part of a campaign for PRIDE month and I couldn’t be prouder of the words she wrote. The comments she received were so positive and uplifting.

She received no negative feedback until she attended church the next weekend, where she was told she could no longer lead at North Point Ministries. She felt disowned by her church family. When her birthday rolled around in August, no one from church — her main community — celebrated it with her.

The leaders at our church gave various ‘reasons’ why she could no longer lead. One person on staff told her that it was for her safety that they didn’t want her to lead, as they did not want anyone who was against gay people to confront her at church. When Kat responded, saying, “I will have to deal with this my whole life, I don’t mind dealing with it,” they told her that these confrontations would take the focus away from what they were trying to do at church.

The pastor of Woodstock City Church, Gavin, wrote to us in late July that “in most of our leadership volunteer positions (small group leaders, stage, etc.), when a person goes through a significant life change moment (as Kaitlyn is doing), we often ask them to step away for a season for their own health.” I told him that I did consider my daughter’s coming out as a “significant life change,” but it was a “positive” one that should be celebrated. “As far as I know the church doesn’t have you take a break when you get engaged, married, find out your expecting or buying your first home. Why would they?” I replied.

Gavin responded via email* more than a week later with his rationale for why he had to ask my daughter to step away:

“Your daughter’s public pronouncement can be celebrated by family and friends. But if we ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen publicly, we potentially will cause others to stumble: other volunteers who are still exploring faith, other parents who don’t agree or understand, and other kids who aren’t ready for this conversation.

“If I could say it this way: This is so much bigger than your daughter. Paul believed it was way bigger than him, too. This is as big as our mission and the Kingdom, and anything that could cause our mission to suffer is always considered. Sometimes that feels deeply personal. But I would ask you to consider if it’s worth taking this stand and continuing to volunteer in the exact same position if someone else’s faith would struggle or never begin.” (bolding is my emphasis)

Once I realized he was implying that our fight for our daughter would cause other people to lose their faith, and he was implicitly asking us if we wanted that responsibility on our hands, I stopped communicating. I was done.

I do not know why “the safest place in the world for gay teens” has a policy that will not allow gay people to be in leadership. I do know that if I knew about this policy of North Point Ministries, I would not have started going here twenty years ago. I feel misled by Andy Stanley; he was not only lying to us, he was deceiving gay people in his church. My daughter thought her church was a safe place to bring her gay friends, and she still feels guilty for having exposed her friends to that church.

I met with Woodstock’s leadership to let them know that their policies needed to match their preaching, and that if they weren’t going to let gay people in every position then they needed to be clear about that upfront. I was told that it was because of my daughter’s choice to come out publicly that the church’s hands were tied so they had to enforce their policy.

After the last communication with Woodstock’s leadership, my family and I, with broken hearts, began the search for a new church. We’ve since met amazing community and my daughter has found a new place that encourages her to use her gifts. She’s dating someone, and we have found joy in ways we did not expect.

I only hope that North Point Ministries will understand that while they may have ‘good intentions,’ to be unclear is never the loving thing to do. It only causes harm.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,000 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #45 – Jenny Morgan

Tags

LGBT, LGBT Youth, LGBTQ, love, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Moms of LGBT, Moms of LGBTQ Kids, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

 

We are all God’s children, and we all deserve love, grace, and mercy.

Throughout my life my faith has been challenged, but I have always found my way back to God. This is a story about my faith, as I understood it, being ripped to pieces and my beliefs about God all but destroyed. It is a story about finally coming back to my faith and to a God who loves all, unconditionally. This is a story about my daughter finding her courage to be true to herself and risking it all to reveal that to everyone around her.

My daughter was always a curious, sensitive child with deep thoughts and a heart of love. But when she hit puberty, it was like a dark hole swallowed up the child I knew and loved. My teen became sullen and angry with everyone, with life. I thought it was because she was bullied at school and because we had moved far away from the only hometown she knew. After much conferring, we felt it necessary and important to enroll her in a private Christian school. Life seemed better, but there were still tremendous mood swings. I figured it was a phase they would grow out of. Soon, they graduated and went off to college. Again, I figured life was going to get better for her, that she would find her wings and fly. Little did I know…we were about to embark on a journey none of us were prepared for.

It became apparent that something was seriously wrong, but Autumn would not talk to us about it. All she said, was that, if she told us, it would destroy us. I assured her that nothing she was hiding could destroy us. As Autumn became more and more disengaged and troubled we decided it was time for her to come home from school and get help. From my view, life continued to be bleak and dark for Autumn, but she would not open up to us or anyone. Finally, one day in November 2014, Autumn came out. She explained, that in short, she had been born in the wrong body. Although, gendered as a boy at birth, in reality she was a female in her heart, soul, and mind. I won’t lie, my world came crashing down. I carried on, but I began to question everything.

Autumn’s fear of her secret destroying us was not far from the truth, but one thing remained – my love for my child. That could not be destroyed. We were devastated – how would our future look for each of us moving forward? So, our journey began anew. No longer a son, but a daughter. Eighteen months later, Autumn came out to the world, declaring her new name and her new identity, an identity she had hid for years, one that she was aware of, but one we had no clue about. That same day, I came out to those around me. People could choose to walk with me or walk away. It was not open for discussion. I have been blessed that so many of my friends and family continued to walk with us and embrace Autumn as her true self.

I have been fortunate – not many people have challenged me on how my faith can accept a transgender child. Those that have questioned, must not truly know my child. This is not a choice and there is no “agenda”. It is not about Satan getting a hold of my child, as some may think. My child is not lost. She is not a freak. And she most certainly is not damned to hell. She is loved and cherished and accepted by a God much bigger than the box many try to put Him Autumn is a delight. She is kind and sensitive. She is a blessing to those around her. She is a true friend to those who know her and accept her. And, perhaps most important – she is brave, strong, and courageous.

My story is about grace, love and mercy. God’s loving arms are big enough to hold everyone. After all, Christ instructed us to love one another, not judge one another.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,000 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Mama Bear Story Project #44 – Glenda Crump

Tags

LGBT, LGBTQ, Mama Bear, Mama Bear Story Project, Mama Bears, Serendipitydodah, Serendipitydodah for Moms, Story

The Mama Bear Story Project is a collection of portraits and autobiographical essays from members of Serendipitydodah for Moms – Home of the Mama Bears

Looking back now I can see that there were signs I/we should have picked up on. Like the many Christmas mornings that she discarded the dolls and frilly things and opted for her brothers cars and sports equipment. I should have noticed the lack of desire to wear lacy pink things and stating they were itchy when questioned. It should have been a clue when she adored only the female heroines in TV shows and movies. Certainly it should have been a red flag the day she told me she wanted to die young and when I asked her why she simply stated that no one cries over old people in an obituary but everyone is sad when someone young dies. I guess If I knew then what I know now I would have picked up on those clues but she didn’t even know she was gay yet how could we have known? In High school she just thought she was a good little Mormon girl when all her friends were having temptations with boys and getting into trouble and it wasn’t an issue for her at all. I suspect she started to realize the truth around  the age of 18. So she chose to go on a mission partly to delay the whole marriage issue and partly to ask her Heavenly Father that if she would serve Him for those 18 months if He would take away those feelings. She served valiantly but those feelings remained. After her mission my husband and I and 3 of her 8 siblings moved to Texas for work, and she went back to Utah State to continue her education….and she struggled. I was too far away to know the depths of her struggle or the pain and anguish she endured as she tried to navigate an unknown path completely alone. I knew she had depression and anxiety, I knew she had been to see doctors and a therapist, I knew she was on medication, I just didn’t know why she was suffering. My heart aches every time I think of how she must have felt alone and scared, knowing her future would never hold for her all that she had been promised, knowing her new path would take her away from the church she had grown up in, served in and Loved, knowing her secret would destroy her family.

I remember when she was having a hard time with a relationship she was having and I guess I just knew. We were talking on the phone, she was once again sad and I asked her if this painful relationship was a girl. Silence! Heartbreaking Silence on both ends! Then she just sobbed into the phone and my world crashed around me. I wanted to grab her through the phone and hold her and tell her we would figure it out. At the time I thought it was something she could “overcome”. I remember getting on my knees many times and begging Heavenly Father to change her, to send her someone that she COULD fall in Love with, have a Temple Marriage and a family with. I lined her up with a friends brother-in-law, he liked her …she is sweet and beautiful and fun… and I had hope. Then one day on the phone she said “Mom I will marry him if that is what YOU want” NO that is not what I want! I want you to marry who will make YOU happy.  Sadly I realized the big wedding she always dreamed of and planned for was gone her Temple marriage was gone. My heart hurt for the grandchildren I would Never have. I did not know how to help her, I did not know where to turn. When I went to my Bishop for guidance he gave me none, except to compare my sweet innocent daughter to a pedophile… I felt all alone. I didn’t know anyone who was gay and I was embarrassed that people would find out. My prayers changed then. Instead of asking Him to change her I began to pray for understanding, for a knowledge of how to help her, and for comfort for all of us. I prayed He would comfort and strengthen her, and keep her safe. How do I combine my Love for my daughter with my Love for a Gospel that is a part of who I am? I wanted to be True to the teachings that have guided my entire life, I wanted to follow the Prophet who I Loved, but I needed to Love my daughter. How do you do both in a religion that basically condemns her? I was confused, lost, scared and alone. I feared for her future, I mourned for the loss of my grand kids I thought she could never give me. They were some of the darkest days I have ever experienced.

 I remember shopping one day and I got a text message from her that read “Mom, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore.” and she named a long list of pills she had taken. I tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer the phone. I panicked ….I was over a thousand miles away from her. Her brothers and sisters and dad were an hour and a half away. I contacted the only person I knew who lived in Logan and she went and got her and took her to the hospital. I got on the first plane I could to Utah and spent some time with her, trying to help her figure it all out. But I didn’t even know how, there were no resources, no leadership help, no one who would understand and guide us. Every day was terrifying and after that, I hated to hear my phone ring. I never knew if I would one day loose her, the fear was crushing. There were days I couldn’t focus on anything but how to help her. I prayed more than ever and I read every book and pamphlet about the topic I could get my hands on. I watched pod casts and videos, and Ted talks and then I heard about the Mama Bears and the Mama Dragons. I can’t describe how much these groups of Compassionate, Caring, Loving women changed my life. I found solace when I thought there was none. I found women who had the same love for the Gospel AND for their gay children as I did. I found support, comfort, understanding, guidance, and most of all Unconditional Love…Pure Christ like Love ..and it saved me. It was like a gasp of air… life saving air after being under water feeling like you’re going to die. We share stories, we laugh together til our sides ache, we Celebrate together and we Cry together…the kind of crying when the tears are running down your face and your nose runs and your heart can’t take the sorrow one more second. Meeting these Mama’s  in person is like coming home where you feel warm and safe, and it gives you a strength that you didn’t know you even had. We get together for lunches and it is such a comfort to hear their stories and to share my own. I AM NO LONGER ALONE! and I feel empowered to share what I know so that I can help other families and save the lives of other kids who are struggling with their new path of the unknown.

I now have the courage to share what I know with the leaders in my faith so that they can help youth who come to them for guidance. I am so grateful that I can share our story to help bring understanding and acceptance for the LGBTQ community. My daughter still went through difficult times but I was better equipped to help her and I was not ashamed to fully accept who she is and to LOVE her, truly LOVE her the way she needed to be loved. I see my daughter in a more perfect light the way God sees her, the way He created her. I was able to help my daughter see that she had an incredible wonderful life ahead of her and that she had support and acceptance from her whole family. It helped her to know she was accepted and loved but she still has difficult days. She was married to a woman, and she had that Big Beautiful wedding in a Gorgeous white dress. They have a darling 5 year old girl and a 3 year old little boy that we all adore. They have since divorced so my daughter is a single mom who is completely devoted to her children. She is a High school teacher, writer, and an artist. My Heart is full every day for how my life has been blessed with her and her 2 children in it.

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 5,000 members. For more info about the private Facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com